Putting Myself on the List: Motherhood, Adult ADHD, and Feeling Seen

Motherhood often teaches us to push through, stay organized, and keep everyone else on track — but what happens when your own brain starts asking for more support?

In this episode of Steel Roses Podcast, I’m opening up about something deeply personal: my upcoming virtual appointment to explore a possible adult ADHD diagnosis. After years of relying on routines, checklists, strict schedules, reminders, and sheer determination to manage motherhood, I’m finally putting myself on the list and seeking answers.

We talk about what ADHD in women can look like when it does not match the common stereotype, why ADHD is often missed in girls, and how children may develop coping strategies that hide their struggles at school. I also share how executive dysfunction, brain fog, sensory overload, anxiety, and difficulty focusing can show up in everyday life — especially for moms who are already carrying the mental load of the household.

This episode also explores the emotional side of motherhood as kids get older. I reflect on how Mother’s Day has changed for me over the years, from feeling overwhelmed and unseen to experiencing small but meaningful moments of love, support, and recognition from my children.

If you’ve been searching for conversations around late-diagnosed ADHD, adult ADHD in moms, executive dysfunction tips, ADHD and anxiety overlap, or how to ask your family for support, this episode is for you.

I also share one simple but powerful parenting practice: talking honestly with your kids about what feels overwhelming, so they can build empathy and you do not have to carry everything alone.

Subscribe to Steel Roses Podcast, share this episode with a mom who needs to feel seen, and leave a review if this conversation resonates with you.

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Exists

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is Still Rose's podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. I hope you all are doing amazing. I'm really very, very excited about what's to come in the future. And that sounds very odd to say. It's just a very blanketed statement.

Energy Cycles And Getting Things Done

SPEAKER_00 0:20

But in my week of good vibes, or I have two straight weeks of like good vibrations, right? Once my once my hormonal phases shift back into like this part where I can't remember the memes of the phases. I really need to brush off on it, but I'm in the part where my, you know, my energy is really high and it's my favorite time of the month because I get so much

Adult ADHD Evaluation Next Week

SPEAKER_00 0:43

done. Now, on that particular note, I did already mention to you in a prior episode that I am exploring potential ADHD diagnosis for myself as an adult woman. Now, in the original post where I talked about that, I I'm still very early in the process. I have my first appointment next week virtually. Um, I messaged my coworker who's been really encouraging me to get, you know, evaluated. And I'm so freaking excited, and she's excited because, you know, to know that I've been to I've been actually overcoming something that usually you need medication, medical, you know, medical support for. Well, one, I'm like, bravo to me that I've gotten this far. You know, two, bravo to me for even recognizing that this potentially is an issue and then getting help for it. A lot of women, a lot of young girls, and I I mentioned it on a prior episode this week, ADHD is consistently missed in girls because the symptoms are not as present and they're not as in your face as they are with boys. With my son, I knew pretty immediately that something was going on. I knew when he was about three or four. Like as soon as he got to school age range, three is a little early. No, but you know what? I knew something was going on really early because of his aggression and because of the way he reacted with his sisters to things. I could tell certain things were just not quite right. And then honestly, I in all fairness, and I'm gonna just be very transparent, it freaked me out. It really scared me because of the way, because of how aggressive he would get, because of how angry he would get, it really disturbed me because to me as a mom, you know, you don't want to see your children with that kind of behavior. You don't want to see them lashing out at family members and and being, you know, mean and selfish. And when you're trying to teach them to be kind as young kids. So it was disturbing for me.

Routines, Checklists, And Survival Schedules

SPEAKER_00 2:33

We, as parents, don't let anything go. My husband and I have worked really, really critically hard to make sure that we're giving a very strong foundation to our kids. Something we did for our sanity that ended up actually working well in our favor because of the ADHD in our household was staying very, very strictly regimented. This also helped me, to be perfectly honest with you. The only way that I'm able to really function is if I'm very, very strict with like how I'm functioning through my day, what time slots am I doing certain things. And I lean heavily on my checklists and I lean heavily on reminders because more often than not, especially now today, sometimes I do things proactively and then I'm surprised later on that I did it because I forgot that I did it. That's number one. And I don't know if that indicates ADHD or if it indicates that I'm just getting old and my mind is going to hell. Hopefully, it's not the second one. I do, all jokes aside, I do very much heavily lean on checklists. I lean very heavily on um reminders and honestly like other people's help. I have mom friends that are so kind. They message me reminders all the time. They know how busy I am and they'll message me and say, hey, don't forget we have XYZ event. And I'm like, oh my god, thank God. Seriously, it takes a it takes a village back to uh where we started with our kids. So we again kept things very, very strictly um regimented and on schedule. The reason for that was purely our sanity. We had my son in 2016, and then my twins came in 2017, three infants at once, three toddlers at once. And anytime you have multiples or anytime you have kids so close in age range, it is incredibly important to get them onto a calendar. ADHD aside, keeping your kids on a schedule actually helps them. It helps them understand what's coming next, it helps prevent, you know, as many meltdowns because you're keeping them on a schedule. It actually, the routine is very helpful to young children because it does teach them like these things have to happen, kind of thing. We did it for our sanity. You know, we were out of all the parents we knew, we were pretty much the only ones that very strictly had our bed, our kids in bed by 8 o'clock, 8:30. Did it, did it, did it um impede on our ability to be social and go out? Absolutely. Did it some kind sometimes present an issue when we did want to, for example, in the holidays, bring schedule and be out a little bit later? Absolutely caused a problem there. But 99% of the time, that schedule saved us. When the kids were really young and I got them in bed by eight o'clock, I used to work from eight until, you know, whatever, 1 a.m. sometimes. But it gave me that opportunity to clean the house, do some laundry, get some work done because the kids were in bed. I know some other parents that let their kids just stay with their schedule. If they were gonna stay up all night doing something, the kid was all up all night with them or would fall asleep on the couch. If they want to stay up late watching a movie, the kid was up late watching a movie. I know parents that would take their kids to go out with them. Like I everyone does it their own way and you do it to suit whatever needs you have. For us, staying on a schedule was incredibly important. So anyway, flash forward to now. Schedule still remains intact, and it actually is a huge help for me because if I'm deviating too much or if I feel too thrown off or if something's thrown at me too quickly, it does mess me up. Now,

Focus, Noise, Brain Fog, And Grace

SPEAKER_00 5:59

it's interesting because I used to be able to multitask really, really well. And I used to be able to have all the noise around me and I would be able to focus in, force myself to focus in on whatever task I was working on. That is no longer the case, which actually really frustrates the crap out of me. Because, as you know, like I work from home, I need to be able to function with noise around me because my family is around me while I'm working. It is detrimental and it's driving me nuts. So that's like thing number one that I want to like try to get around or get something for. I'm happy to medicate myself just so I can like, you know, get over that little hump. Then beyond that, the ability to tackle, to tackle tasks becomes increasingly difficult, especially on the days where my brain fog is bad. On those days, I have to give myself a tremendous amount of grace in getting things done after hours or slowly taking my time to get things done, because I've had days where I can't even really articulate a sentence well. So it really depends on the day and the moment. And so I really take advantage of the days where I am like on fire, regular Jenny, and I could just plow through things. Today's one of those, one of those moments. So all of that, in aside, all of that taken into consideration, I have my initial evaluation next week. I'm like so freaking excited about it because I just want to make sure that I'm getting help that I need. Boom, mic drop. Never have

Self Care As A Better Mom

SPEAKER_00 7:31

I really focused on myself before, and you all know it. And this is the time where I really want to make sure that I'm giving myself the support that I need. I have seen so in so many instances, I've seen um every people post about this. I've read articles about it, I've talked about it here. The all the way for me to be the best mom that I can be is for me to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. I used to always throw everything to the side. After my kids were born, I didn't go to the doctor for like three years because I just, I just did not, I could not wrap my head around taking a slice of time out for myself. I just couldn't do it. I had my blinders on, I put my head down, and I just kept plowing ahead. Now is the time that I'm able to actually lift my head up and say, you know what? No, I need to make these appointments for myself. This has to happen. So, with all that in mind, I made sure that I made the appointment. I had some time off and I prioritized some things that I needed to get done for my future. And in that was also making sure I got a doctor lined up so that I could get evaluated and diagnosed. The part that I'm also excited about is that I'm gonna be able to say to my kids, oh my gosh, guys, you know how you guys struggle with this? Mommy has it too. Because I want them to see. Just because you have this struggle does not mean that you are not gonna be successful. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It means you can be perfectly highly functional as long as you have the right tools in place. So all of that I'm like super excited about. Now,

Why ADHD Gets Missed In Girls

SPEAKER_00 8:57

I mentioned before, and I'm gonna mention it again here. Again, typically girls are not diagnosed as quickly with ADHD as the as boys because it doesn't present the same way. With girls, a larger presentation, a larger symptom, one of the larger symptoms is that uh your daughter is very chatty, chatty talky, like constant like motor mouth kind of talking, gets in trouble for like fooling around in class with her friends because she's talking so much. That's a sign there. I recognized it in homing, honing in on my kids with letter sounds. I have three kids, two of which specifically I noticed just could not remember and struggled with their letter sounds. You know what the coping mechanism was that they did? They don't know the letter sounds like phonetically, but they memorize the words so they could read. So instead of sounding a word out from the beginning to end, like like one of my kids does, the other two look at the word or recognize the word and then they they say the word, but they don't actually know the letter sounds. So they found a way to get over reading, but they still need more work there. So there, you know, there's things like that where like girls will get, you know, you find a way around it kind of thing. But I did significantly notice that. That was a big tell for me in the beginning with with my my kids. The other tell too is I I could recognize when I tried to do homework with them the struggle. I, you know, it's interesting. I'm self-diagnosing, and I will let you know my results once I go and get evaluated for ADHD. But I read very early. I started reading when I was like three years old, whole books, like whole sentences, ready to go. Like I was just able to do it. But I also think that was because my dad used to read every single night with me. And he would always read books over and over and over and over again. And eventually, because he would read the book so much, I would then catch on and be able to actually just read the book. And I think it was also memorization, but I also leaned heavily into phonetics. So the ADHD that I might potentially have may not have anything to do with, it may not have anything to do with my reading and it may be more focused on math because there's all different kinds of various levels for it. That's the other thing to note too. People hear ADHD and they think, oh, it's the kids bouncing off the walls, and that's not me. Like I won't, there's no way I have that kind of thing. That's just one example of it in a child. You know, think about as an adult um your attention span, how you're how much you're able to focus. Are you struggling with certain tasks? Are you struggling starting certain tasks? Do you have trouble getting out of bed? ADHD is tied with anxiety, it's tied with depression. Like there, there it's like a jungle in there. It is important to make sure you yourself are being evaluated, making sure you're taking care of yourself. As a mom, I'll reiterate making sure that you're filling your own cup is significant. There's actual research that shows that, and there's studies that have shown that a child's health and wellness starts with the mother. How the mother is mentally, how she is physically, everything starts with the mom because they're looking to you as the example. We're the direct line for our children's health. And if we ourselves are not taking care of ourselves, that's gonna directly impact them. So it's incredibly important to make sure you're taking that step. I know I'm at fault for never doing it and for, you know, being pretty consistent with not taking care of myself. And so this is the time really that I want to highlight to say, like, no, like it's time to stand up, it's time to pony up, and it's time to take care of yourself. My kids are older, they're more aware, and I want them to see me as the best version of myself. Like, that's it. Pencils down. So it's incredibly important to be able to do that kind of thing for your kids.

Parenting Feels Different As Kids Grow

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Now, the other part that I wanted to talk about very quickly here, beyond the ADHD pieces and beyond, you know, me focusing on my health and wellness and making sure I'm okay, is I wanted to talk a little bit about the shift in parenting now young kids versus parenting toddlers. If you heard my Mother's Day episode from a couple years ago, I distinctly remember talking about wanting to be alone for Mother's Day. And I distinctly remember talking about um, you know, for Mother, Mother's Day doesn't necessarily mean you have to be around your kids. You should take time for yourself, you should prioritize your own health, prioritize, you know, doing something for yourself because you never do. And I was thinking about that this year because this was the first year where I was very excited. Now, last year I was excited too, but this year it was just there was a different feeling in the air. And I was very excited to be with my kids and to hang out with them. I genuinely like my children. I actually like to hang out with them. They're funny, they do funny things, they're annoying for sure, but like they're funny and I like them and I like hanging out with them. So I was actually really looking forward to it. Now I started thinking about why, like, why is that? Why is it that I have had other years where I didn't want to have anything to do with anybody and I was like kind of pissy on Mother's Day, but this year it was just like a light. It was lifted. It was, I was grateful and I was happy. And so I started breaking it down in my head, like what shifted? What could have possibly changed? The biggest difference is that my kids are older. That's the shift. Somebody had told me when my kids were little, and I remember hearing it and being annoyed because I'm like, okay, great, thanks for your help. But somebody told me when my kids were little, they were like, oh, you know what? When by the time you your kids hit 78, that's really when things start to even out and get a little bit easier. And I remember being irritated because I was like completely overwhelmed at the time, completely just underwater. This person just kind of says out of nowhere, oh, don't worry, by the time they're eight, you'll you'll be good. And I was like, that's five friggin' years from now. And I was so mad about it. But the reality of it is, yes, it's true. Like your kids are gonna hit a certain age where it's not gonna be as intense. You're not gonna be as overwhelmed. Now, there's other things to worry about. There's other things that, you know, as a mom, you're gonna have to struggle is different with every age range. But this is probably the most pleasant right before they hit teen years for me because they were just aware.

Mother’s Day And Finally Feeling Seen

SPEAKER_00 15:14

You know, beyond me wanting to spend time with them for Mother's Day and me being excited and grateful for them, they were also able this time for the first year to show how grateful they were with me and celebrate me in their own ways. Now, my son made it a point to make sure that he spent extra time with me. Usually he's with his buddies or he's playing video games or whatever. This time around, he was like, Oh, you know what? I'll come with you to run herands. It was just company. It was just him hanging out with me. I never hang out with him like that anymore. And he was just like, I'll just come with you. Don't worry, mommy, I'll I'll just spend time with you. He came and spent time with me. He made me a really lovely gift at school as well. But ultimately, like the time spent was really what made me feel most special. Then I had my daughters, while I'm out running errands with my son, I came home and I and it's it's so funny because while I was out, I said to myself, oh my gosh, you know what would be a really great Mother's Day gift if somebody would just like do all the things that I normally do, clean the kitchen like I would. So that way I come home and everything's nice and neat. Like, you know, put things away, like tidy up a little bit. And I walked to the house. Can I tell you, I nearly cried. My daughter's nine years old, did all the dishes in the sink, wiped down the stove, cleaned off all the counters, wiped everything off, organized everything, like organized the living room, folded all the blankets, like they everything that I would normally do at the end of a long day, they took care of it. How amazing of a gift was that? It was not essentially about the money. I'm not looking for the glitz and the glamour, but what I am looking for is that I was seen. They actually saw me on Mother's Day and they made a specific effort to do something nice for me that they know that I would appreciate. How tremendous is that? And that ultimately is where I felt the luckiest. Now, the reason, now I do want to say this it's has not always been this way. And you've heard in prior episodes that I was getting frustrated and upset, stressed out, and just felt like I was totally drowning and alone and nobody was helping and nobody saw me. And now finally they see. And I think it's because of the amount of talking that I've done with them that they recognize things and then they act on it. And it's such a tremendous gift.

Talk To Your Kids Like Humans

SPEAKER_00 17:38

And it's, I want to weave the message in here that, you know, if you are feeling overwhelmed, one, this it will pass. And two, make sure you're talking to your kids. Make sure you treat them as individuals and talk with them. Mommy's upset today because I get very overwhelmed with how messy the kitchen gets. And everybody leaves and leaves me alone to clean it, and I get really overwhelmed with that. Tell them, be honest with them. My daughters know that if it gets too cluttered in the house, my anxiety goes really crazy and I get really nuts and I start yelling at everybody. Do you know, do you know what this you know what they do? If they see that I'm getting really crazy, they'll ask me, is it work? Is it us or is it the house? And I'll tell them, oh, it's work. And they're like, okay. And then they'll they'll understand. And they come and ask me all the time, well, what is it that's bothering you that you're acting like this? Because now they know when somebody reacts a certain way to something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's you or anything in particular related to the current situation. It could be something else altogether. Being seen part of all this is like the most impressive thing. So I do want to use this as a segue to tell you like, make sure you're talking to your kids. Be honest with them. Don't treat them like they don't know anything because you they don't know anything because you haven't told them anything. Make sure you're talking with them, make sure you're communicating with them so that they understand like what a real person needs. Wise, they're gonna just see you as someone who does everything, doesn't ask for help, and then occasionally blows up. You don't want them to see you like that. You want them to see you as a human. And that's really the goal here. I want them to see me as a person. I'm not just your mother, I'm not just a wife, I'm a human being, and I want to be treated as such. The same type way I respect you. I expect you to respect me and be kind to me. That's it. It is as simple as

Closing And Belated Mother’s Day

SPEAKER_00 19:23

that. Um I know I threw a lot at you. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Um, happy, very belated Mother's Day to everybody that is a mom, whether you're a child mom, a fur mom, whatever kind of mom, a stepmom, which is also incredibly hard to do, any kind of mother you are, very happy Mother's Day to all of you. I hope you all had a really lovely Mother's Day as well. And thank you for being here with me today. And I will catch you on the next one. Take care.