As a mom, when illness forces a change in birthday plans, you learn to embrace the chaos with a smile. That's what unfolded as my twins approached their special day, and this week, I'm taking you on a journey through the heartwarming mess of it all. The festivities may have been delayed, but the anticipation only sweetened the experience. I found myself marveling at my children's growth, witnessing their transformation from 'littles' into unique individuals with distinct tastes—like their united front on choosing room makeovers over a traditional birthday bash. Listen as I unpack the logistics of celebrating in New Jersey, sharing savvy tips to make any party memorable without emptying your wallet, and reflect on the profound emotional layers that come with each candle added to the cake.
Now, let's talk about that invisible backpack we moms carry—the mental load of motherhood—and how it shapes our partnerships and peace of mind. No guests this week, just real talk about the balance beam we walk, juggling the endless list of tasks, from scrubbing the floors to scheduling playdates. We'll chuckle over the often singular focus of our spouses and the comic relief found in our shared experiences. More importantly, I emphasize the sanctuary found in a community of women who lend an ear, share a story, and support each other without an ounce of judgment. It's about finding common ground, respecting the ebbs and flows of needs within relationships, and assuring you, dear listener, that your story, too, is heard and reverberated in the hearts of many.
As a mom, when illness forces a change in birthday plans, you learn to embrace the chaos with a smile. That's what unfolded as my twins approached their special day, and this week, I'm taking you on a journey through the heartwarming mess of it all. The festivities may have been delayed, but the anticipation only sweetened the experience. I found myself marveling at my children's growth, witnessing their transformation from 'littles' into unique individuals with distinct tastes—like their united front on choosing room makeovers over a traditional birthday bash. Listen as I unpack the logistics of celebrating in New Jersey, sharing savvy tips to make any party memorable without emptying your wallet, and reflect on the profound emotional layers that come with each candle added to the cake.
Now, let's talk about that invisible backpack we moms carry—the mental load of motherhood—and how it shapes our partnerships and peace of mind. No guests this week, just real talk about the balance beam we walk, juggling the endless list of tasks, from scrubbing the floors to scheduling playdates. We'll chuckle over the often singular focus of our spouses and the comic relief found in our shared experiences. More importantly, I emphasize the sanctuary found in a community of women who lend an ear, share a story, and support each other without an ounce of judgment. It's about finding common ground, respecting the ebbs and flows of needs within relationships, and assuring you, dear listener, that your story, too, is heard and reverberated in the hearts of many.
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Steel Vs Podcast. This podcast is created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much for joining me for this week's episode.
Speaker 1:
I'm recording this post my twin's birthday weekend. It got a little off track. I always now laugh to myself when my plans go totally askew, because it's like the most obvious thing that can happen with kids. So I had all these really wonderful birthday plans and unfortunately one of my kids got sick and so we had to push everything out for a whole week and I honestly I was bummed out about it because and it wasn't my birthday, it was their birthday. But I always want them to really feel very special on their birthdays. I want them to feel excited about their birthdays. So I was pretty bummed out about it. But then I remembered that you know, you celebrate things when you want to celebrate them, you prioritize things when you prioritize them and while it's nice, yes, to do it on the day of, there's no taking away from it when you celebrate it later. So I've basically told them like, oh, you're going to get to have many celebrations for your birthday. On the birthday note, my kids now have reached the point of they're no longer littles anymore. Little to me is when your kids are still kind of in that, tinier, not as opinionated, not quite toddlers, but not quite children yet stage. My kids have surpassed that. They've grown into kids, stage, kids staged.
Speaker 1:
For their birthdays this year, we gave them the option of either having a party with their friends or redoing their bedrooms and upgraded them to big boy and big girl rooms, and I very luckily everybody chose to upgrade their bedrooms. Now, part of the reason why I offered this as an option to them, I want them to feel always, always, always you, and you're going to hear me talk about this. You've probably heard me talk about this when I talk about my kids and how we communicate with them. But we do treat them less like you know, little kids like we don't. We're not the kind of parents here that we're just very like you know, dumb things down for them. We make sure that they understand things and they're pretty articulate because of it. But so, in any case, for their birthday, I give them the option and everybody had picked to upgrade their bedrooms, which to me was a great investment.
Speaker 1:
Now, on one hand, if you have a party now, any party that I priced out, that you in New Jersey other places different, but in New Jersey and other places different, but in New Jersey, if you decide not to have a party at your house and you go to a place, you are spending somewhere between 600 to a thousand dollars hands down. Now, for those of you who are not New Jersey and your jaws, like, are dropping yes, me too, my jaw also drops when I think about that but you're not, you're not gonna spend anything less than that new jersey then the flip of it is okay, well, maybe I'll just have a party at the house. Everyone can come to the house and we can figure something out. Now my complicated insanity is okay, well, we'll have everyone come to the house, but then, um, will there be activities for them to do? Do I need to have entertainment for them? Because then that's like a whole other cost as well. And then if you don't have entertainment, well then they're running around the house and kind of destroying the house the whole time that they're there. So there's that problem. And then you have to either cook or cater, and when I host things I don't just host for for the kids, I make the assumption that parents are going to be hanging about. So I do actually usually put something out for the parents.
Speaker 1:
Um, last year my daughter's birthday party was a morning birthday party at a facility and so I had pre-packaged like kids snacks. Oh, hot tip for this. Um, what did? Because every single birthday party I went to for my kids' friends, everybody always had pizza and the kids kind of eat it, but not really, and I always thought that the parents were leaving with like seven boxes of pizza after the fact. And while I really enjoy pizza, like who really wants that much pizza? So for my daughter's birthday, what I ended up doing instead of ordering food, I bought pre-packaged you know school safe in some instances but pre-packaged snacks that I knew that if it didn't, everyone didn't eat it. Then I could literally just take it all home and use it in their school lunch bags. It worked out beautifully. And then I also had like bagels and coffee and stuff for the parents, cause I'm like we all have to hang out here for for two or three hours. Like we might as well have something to eat. Um, but that's just how you know in my head how I liked to do things. So it was very lovely parties that I had last year were really nice but it was really expensive and this you know option for them was wonderful because now their rooms are rooms that will carry them into teen years.
Speaker 1:
Really, all three of the kids have a desk, a workstation. I did not go for the like kiddie desks, I went for full-on desks with with actual chairs, and everyone picked it. My son has a gamer chair. The girls picked out these really cute chairs on Amazon that are shaped like butterflies but they're really comfortable Like I sat in them. The weight the weight limit is like 300 pounds or something to that effect, so they can grow into them for years and years to come. So it was to me. This is an investment for them Outside of like the logistics, because my head always goes to logistics of everything outside of the logistics of it.
Speaker 1:
I had this moment and I'll probably get a little emotional talking about it, but I had this moment after my son turned eight. Last month my twins turned seven. Now I didn't feel it as much as on my son's birthday, something about my son getting older. I want all my kids to get older and I want to be able to enjoy them as people. But then there's this other part of it and it seems like it I don't know if it's just because their birthday was this weekend, so I'm feeling a lot more, but there's this like bittersweet bittersweetness, for lack of a better term. There's this bittersweetness about birthdays for your kids where it kind of hit me like, wow, as I started saying, these guys are big, like these are kids now. They're not little people. They're growing up and they're starting to tell me uh, we're getting bigger, we're growing up now.
Speaker 1:
Case in point my, my son. I always tickle, attack him Like always it just I've always done it. But most recently I can tell, like I can sense that he doesn't really like it. And, um, I and I said to him you know, you can always tell mommy, it's okay, you're not going to hurt my feelings, but if you feel like I'm doing something that makes you feel like I'm treating you like a baby, just tell mommy, cause mommy and I taught, I explained, I'm like mommy might not realize it because you're always going to be my little guy, but you know, you have to tell me. And in telling him that, I feel like I am hopefully teaching them what it is to set boundaries. My daughters, similarly, but not as intensely, will explain to me they're older now or they don't need me for X, y and Z.
Speaker 1:
I'm still waiting. I'm waiting again, bitter, bitterly, bittersweetly, for the moment that, um, they tell me they don't need me to like tuck them in at night. Because typically our nighttime routine is that, you know, we get everybody into bed, my husband goes around, says good night to everybody, and then he leaves, he bolts and um, and then I'm kind of stuck, I'm on the hook with, with the kids, putting them down to sleep and making sure that they say their prayers hugs, hugs, kisses, kisses, handshakes, handshakes, like the whole bit. Like we go through like a routine for like 30 minutes, um, between the three of them, um, and while, while some nights I'm like, oh my God, enough already, this is it. You know, they know I'll never walk away, I'll never. Uh, if they say one more hug, I'm like, okay, I'm coming, and I'll still give them a hug, because I do keep it in my head Like at some point they're going to be like get the hell out of here, we don't want you to be here. Um, so I still will lean into it quite heavily because I know at some point they're not going to want it anymore. So I'm like I really need to continue doing it. So this weekend has been you know about that a little bit.
Speaker 1:
Now my daughter got sick again so we couldn't celebrate the way we wanted to. It was a little bit tough in general the way we wanted to. It was a little bit tough in general, just everyone at home and then the weather was okay. But just having somebody sick really kind of throws the whole energy off of the house. We're very protective here in our house and I've talked to you guys about this before. We're very protective of our energy in this house and making sure that everybody is kind of energetically aligned. We explain to the kids like my son quite often is a grumpus in the morning and I just explained to him recently like we have to figure something out for you so that way you don't feel like that in the morning time, because it actually does make mommy grumpusy. And we feed from each other and I was explaining the the intricacies of that and he's eight so I don't know how much got in there, but but you know, it's just stuff like that that we do like to share with them to make sure that they're aware.
Speaker 1:
Now, funny thing I wanted to share with you guys um, I was having this conversation recently where, um, uh, I was having this conversation recently where the person I was talking to was relaying to me a story about how she was really overwhelmed not overwhelmed, normal amount of overwhelmness for a mother who's working and has a lot on her plate. She's trying to just get things done and she spoke to her husband and said I need X amount of time today, under an hour, to complete this task for my job. And there was a lot of huffing and puffing from the husband and just frustration, like what do you mean? I need to go work out, I need to go decompress, I need time, I need me time. And all the while, you know, the wife is kind of standing there just begrudgingly staring at him like, okay, I need me time too, but I have to get this work done, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:
So we laughed about it amongst ourselves, because I go through the same thing and where, where I'm, like you know, in my head, mental load, mom is thinking about okay, well, what else needs to be done today? The house is clean, the laundry is getting clean, all my laundry is washed. None of it is folded. So there is about six hours of laundry sitting upstairs waiting to be folded. No way in hell I'm getting to that today. I can tell you that much, um, that's on my head. Like, what else is on my head? Oh, I didn't go grocery shopping this weekend. I had to look in the fridge quickly to see, like, am I even going to be able to put lunches together for tomorrow? Like, what do I have here that I can make work for tomorrow? I have work tomorrow. I have daytime work tomorrow. What's on my daytime calendar? What about the kids? Like, oh, we have a Girl Scout meeting tomorrow night that I really need to get to.
Speaker 1:
You know there's the amount of things that come at you and you know is tremendous. As a woman, as a working mom, as a mom, a stay-at-home mom, like the amount of things that come at you is mind-numbing. Things that come at you is mind numbing, and you know it can get incredibly overwhelming very fast. So the reason why I'm sharing all that is because I was having this conversation and we chuckled about it. We had a laugh, we compared some stories and then, you know, we kind of just moved on with our day because at the end of the day, it's like we know that husbands are kind of just like this.
Speaker 1:
Now, for some of you listening, you might be saying to me like no, husbands are not like this. You know, you have to. You have to put them in their place. You need to tell them they need to do something or they need to do X, y and Z. Put that, you know, put them to work. And I'm here to just kind of say like yes, okay, however, um, the way that I honor and respect my husband is to respect, you know, when he's saying to me I need, I need some space, because, truth be told, and we all know it's true, the woman usually can handle more. Why is that? I'm sure that some of your heads are blowing off your bodies, the fact that I'm even saying that, I know it sounds horrendous and I am a feminist and I shouldn't even be talking like that, but it's accurate.
Speaker 1:
And while I was tired and frustrated and grouchy and all the things, when my husband got home today, he was out all day. When he said he needed to go and take a minute and go upstairs, I just kind of laughed because it's funny. It's funny, it's ironic because it's almost all of them. Now, why am I talking about this? I don't have a solve here. People Like I don't have, I don't have the answer, I don't have a magic trick that'll, like kind of you know, keep this from happening.
Speaker 1:
The reason why I'm telling you about this is because I think all husbands do it where they, you know, one linear line of thought and they're addressing things like one at a time. That's all they're doing, addressing things one at a time. They only see like 20 feet in front of them. And I'm not saying they're dumb, they just this is how they function and we can't allow ourselves to get incredibly frustrated or pissed off or enraged because of this, because this is just how they function and the reality of it is, if you want to remain married, then you figure out a way to make that work for you and to make it so that you can get things done on your own terms. To know, I make it a point to make sure that I have my allotted time where I need to work on my podcast. It doesn't always work out in my favor and sometimes I have to pivot, but I happen to be able to do that. You know like I have that mental capacity to be able to pivot. I think it's a shame when I hear women, men bashing and husband bashing and, you know, boyfriend bashing and putting them down and, like you know, and then egging each other on. You know, that's the other part here that I want to share too.
Speaker 1:
Um, the conversation that I had with my friend was very supportive in nature. She was upset when she called me. She was like I just needed a little time. He couldn't even give it to me and I laughed and I said hell, yeah, that's exactly you know. And I said, oh my God, like I hear you and this and that. But the reality of that conversation is she vented, I went along with it and I let her vent and I told her some funny, funny isms of my own going through the same thing. We both laughed about it and then she went on with her day and I went on with mine and there was no judgment and she's okay. It didn't balloon into some ridiculous fight and things are fine.
Speaker 1:
That's really what you need and I know majority of the episodes on the podcast are really focused on these really great guests that we have, but I don't want to lose the fact that this podcast is here to make sure that you all feel like you're not alone, that you're supported. So I'm using this example to show you what it is to have a non-judgmental conversation with another woman. You should be able to find someone, I hope, because it seems very few and far between from what I've seen, but I do hope that you do have someone in your life that you can speak to in a manner where you can take the guards down and just shoot the breeze without feeling like you're going to walk away from that conversation with them judging you and thinking poor of you. For someone to be able to vent and open up about like oh my gosh, my husband was so I'm so annoyed with him. You know I protect my husband at all costs. I will never see ill of him anywhere. But you know there's always those little things that are like you know, piss you off and this and that or whatever, and you want to be able to talk to someone about it without feeling like they're going to run around and be like, oh my gosh, he's such a horrible person Because he's not. He's a human being.
Speaker 1:
What happened to like us giving men room to just be themselves and be people like who are we to sit here and try to change who they are to us? What kind of insanity is that? So I know I'm going off on a little bit of a tangent here, but I'm sick to death of hearing about women judging women's relationships, women feeling like they have a right to do that. I'm sick to death of hearing women talking down on their partners. I'm sick to death of hearing this whole. I am woman. Hear me, roar, I'm going to put you down and you're going to cater to me and you're going to serve me and you're going to pay for everything for me and I don know. I don't even have to lift a finger. I'm sorry, but it's total garbage. It's total and complete garbage. It is. It is total crap.
Speaker 1:
When you come into a marriage or relationship, it is a partnership. There should not be a situation where it's like, oh well, you're on your own, well, I don't want to even be bothered. That like who the hell wants that? And then all the bashing. It has to stop. I mean, you know, if someone comes to you and says like, okay, if you're an abusive relationship, that's one thing, but if it's just normal husband crap, who the hell cares. Let the person vent, get it off your chest. Then they're going to go home and be a little bit happier because they got it off their chest. That's it. That's all we're here for. We're here to support each other. We're supposed to be backing each other up and making each other feel supported. We are not supposed to be tearing each other down, and I'm so, so tired of witnessing it and seeing it and feeling it and just people thinking that it's normal and that it's fun. This is people. This is fun for people tearing each other down Like I can't even I can't wrap my head around it, and maybe I'm not naive for saying that.
Speaker 1:
Maybe I live in a bubble, maybe maybe I have gone so far down this path of like whittling down my social circle to just a very select few, that, like, when I get exposed to people who are like that, now I, I have no tolerance. I just truly don't care. I'm like. I have no tolerance for drama. I have no. I'm 40 years old. I don't need drama, I don't need gossip. I don't old, I don't need drama. I don't need gossip. I don't need drama. I don't want bad feelings. I'm here to be like yo, let's chill, let's hang out, let's be regular people no judgment and live your life. However, the best you want to do, it, that's it. That's literally all it is at the end of the day. So I know I went a little here and there. So I know I went a little here and there, but you know, at the bottom line, bottom line, you know you have to do what's best for you and I know I say that all the time, but you do Enjoy your children immensely Every moment.
Speaker 1:
Be in the moment. Put the phone down, I know, take some pictures, take a couple snaps, put the phone down, put it in your pocket. You don't need it out all the time. Enjoy the moment, be in the moment, because I'm telling you you're going to blink, we're going to blink. They're going to be 16 and leaving and going out with their friends. So enjoy the moment with your kids. Don't be judgy of your friends. Let them come to you to vent. Let them come to you to talk to you.
Speaker 1:
Be the peace for people and be mindful of the people that you're sharing your peace with, because you're not here to fix anyone. You're just here to live your life and they're here to live their lives. You're not here to be the crutch and take some time for yourself. Make it a point to prioritize yourself. I'm sitting here thinking to myself about how badly I need a haircut and how much I need to go get my hair done, because I'm walking around here with kind of hobo-ish. I'm going to make it happen. I'm saying it to you guys, because if I say it to you all, then I have to actually do it. I'm going to do it, I'm committing, I'm going to make my appointment for May, get my hair done so I can look fab again, because right now it's pretty bad. And finally, you know, be authentically you, because you're the only person that's here and you're the only person that is you and we need you. We need you to show up authentically as yourself. So I greatly appreciate all of you listening A little bit of a mini-sode this week, because next week's episode is actually quite long, but it's incredible.
Speaker 1:
So next week's episode is with somebody named Sandy Sembler. Check her out. S-a-n-d-y and her last name is S-E-M-B-L-E-R. Incredible woman, incredible woman. It's going to be an amazing episode. When you hear it, it moves mountains. So tune in. Be sure to tune in for that, and we have some other great guests coming up as well for the spring season. I hope you all have a wonderful week and thank you so much for listening. Until next time, take care everybody.