Family Gatherings, Parenting Insights, and the Power of Genuine Connection

How does hosting a chaotic July 4th family gathering give you newfound respect for your relatives? Join me as I recount the whirlwind of feeding and entertaining guests, all while managing the antics of young children. Through personal stories about my own family dynamics, I'll reveal the surprising lessons we learned about gratitude, boundaries, and the joys of quality family time. This episode is a heartwarming reflection on the effort it takes to bring everyone together and the unique challenges that come with parenting during such events.

What impact does our childhood experiences have on our approach to parenting? Reflecting on my own upbringing, I discuss how a lack of visible affection in my childhood shaped my views on relationships and how I had to learn to be more affectionate as an adult. You'll hear candid thoughts on the importance of being genuine with our children, sharing our imperfections to help them form realistic views of life. I also touch on breaking preconceived notions and learning to accept people for who they are. Join the conversation!

Keywords
hosting, holiday gathering, challenges, parenting, discipline, childhood experiences, authenticity, softening language, assertiveness

Takeaways

• Hosting a holiday gathering involves a significant amount of work and labor, from managing food service to ensuring everyone is taken care of.
• Being present and involved in your children's lives is important for their emotional well-being and development.
• Childhood experiences can shape our parenting style and it's important to be aware of how our own experiences may influence our behavior.
• Honesty and authenticity in parenting are crucial for building strong relationships with our children.
• Being mindful of our language and being assertive can help us communicate more effectively and confidently.

Chapters

• 0:01 Reflections on Family Dynamics and Parenting
• 13:52 Honesty and Realism in Parenting

Transcript

Jenny Benitez: 0:01

Hello everyone, good morning, welcome to Still Roses podcast. This podcast is created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. As you can hear in my voice, I am a little under the weather. So when I last recorded on my last episode, it was before July 4th and I had, you know, noted it was going to be July 4th week and we were having guests, and you know, thus I I didn't know that an episode, a second episode, was going to come out and that's basically exactly what happened. Um, I, we, we got guests um earlier than we had anticipated, um, which kind of shifted my schedule a little bit. Um, it was super fun holiday. It was very family focused, just hanging out at home with everybody.

Jenny Benitez: 0:52

But I never realized how much work it is when you're hosting or when you have people over. I think back and reflect on when we would go to holidays at my Aunt Michelle's house and Uncle David's house. Shout out to them, huge shout out to them for hosting all these holidays. My Aunt Christy for hosting holidays, because it's a tremendous amount of work for the host, because not only do you need to and I mean you all know this like if you've hosted something at your house with your family. You are managing food food service essentially because you want to make sure that, like, not only are you most likely cooking food, but making sure the food is out and prepared and ready for people to, you know, eat at appropriate times. And then you're also rotating food. So, like, when you know we have folks sleep over, like your breakfast, rotate breakfast out. What time is lunch hitting? Rotating lunch out. In my case, we had a lot of little kids. I have my kids and then my nieces and nephews and my grandkids and everybody. So we had snack time too. So it's quite a bit of work and labor on the hosts of the gathering.

Jenny Benitez: 2:14

This year. If you listened to the last episode, you know that I was scaling back on my level of involvement in terms of cooking. So I catered the lunch. But it was so funny because in my mind I was like, oh, I'm catering it, this is great, I'm not going to have to do anything. And the food got there for lunch and it was fine and everything went and everything went like everything got eaten. That was just lunch. That was just lunch and it literally only lasted lunch. And then I immediately had to think to myself like, oh, wow, wait. We have all these people here, we need dinner and we need to make sure that people have food for dinner. So it was quite a bit of work, even when I was trying to mindfully not make it a lot of work.

Jenny Benitez: 3:02

I will say this I was actually able to relax a little bit. I mean not relax, spend time, spend quality time with folks. This year, in prior years, when we've hosted gatherings, I would be in the kitchen the entire time, kind of pissed off, to be honest with you, that I was in the kitchen the whole time and couldn't even enjoy myself. So this time was much nicer. And then I had the benefit of being able to watch my grandkids for a few days, which was exhausting because they're little. So my big grandson is four and my little grandson is two and they are like a bundle of little joy. But at the same time, having them around and having that reminder of what it is to have small children in your home really made me greatly appreciate my kids, because they've come so far and they've grown so much and they're very self-sufficient little people and very opinionated people. But that's how we want them. We want them to be opinionated and self-sufficient. So it was good, good vibes all around.

Jenny Benitez: 4:12

I honestly, as much as I'm annoyed that I'm sick again, as much as I'm annoyed about that, I can't say that any of this was bad. It was all good and, honestly, it was all worth it. It really was. So I hope all of you had a good holiday break. I hope no one else got sick.

Jenny Benitez: 4:33

Unfortunately my household is suffering a little. But, on the note of family, I did start thinking through and I saw some stuff online, so I'm going to read it to you as like sort of the thought starters for today's episode. Um, so one thing that I saw that I wanted to put out there to all of you as a thought starter is your child is not annoying, you're just annoyed. And then the post that I saw goes on to say your child is not making you mad. You're triggered by their behavior. Your child is not spoiled. They need more consistent boundaries from you. Your child is not crying for no reason. You're just lacking empathy in the moment. Disciplining kids begins with disciplining our own thoughts and perception. When you let your emotions control your actions, that is a lack of discipline in itself. Don't discipline based on your patience level. Discipline based on what skills your child is lacking in the moment. When you master the art of perception, parenting is much less triggering.

Jenny Benitez: 5:44

I have massive triggers with my kids massive, and I'm aware, I'm very aware and I actually tell them about it. Case in point my son loves to bother his sisters. He loves it, he enjoys it, he loves getting a rise out of them, he likes to annoy them. He likes to One of my girls. He has two nicknames that he calls her and she hates it and she has asked him repeatedly to stop. I've asked him to stop and he just every once in a while decides, like today's the day, I'm going to be calling her these nicknames all day and she hates it.

Jenny Benitez: 6:21

And it annoys me and it triggers me because there's so many things that he does that reminds me of my older brother when he used to bother me and it's almost like little jenny is responding and yelling at him and fighting with him and getting mad at him. The reality of the situation is he's a kid and, yes, brothers and sisters bother each other. It is what it is, but it really triggers the SHIT out of me because my older brother used to tease me relentlessly and my parents very rarely intervened and it always stuck with me that that they never intervened and I was kind of at his mercy for a really long time. So I I will overextend in that area and if he's bothering them like I jump in immediately almost sometimes and I'm like you need to stop, you're annoying me. Does it help? Not always, actually very rarely.

Jenny Benitez: 7:28

But there's a large part of me that I have this understanding that he's a brother and siblings bother each other. But I also want my kids to always know I am watching and I'm always going to intervene on your behalf. That's really the big thing for me. I want them to see that mom is here and I'm watching and I'm not going to let someone get you to the point of you're crying and in tears, because that's what used to happen to me. So to me it's more of a. I need to show them that I am here for them and that I'm trying to help as much as I can. To a certain extent Now there's some times where I hear my kids arguing with each other and my husband and I will be downstairs and we'll hear them upstairs and we'll pause whatever we're doing and we both will listen and see if they can work it out on their own.

Jenny Benitez: 8:19

It doesn't always work, but we do want them to be able to resolve conflicts on their own. So that's always an important point, too that we are aware of, because there has to come a point of like logic, you know, as they get older, where they are the ones who are regulating this and they're the ones who are saying like, yeah, all right, we're having a conflict here, but let's, let's talk it out. So we do try to let that happen as well. Again, it's like touch and go. Now, this kind of brings me, not kind of this brings me actually. Let me make a note there. So I have this tendency and I'm curious. You guys can message me in wherever you're listening to the podcast. There is a link in the description. I'm going to just look really quickly to see what the actual link says, but there's a link in the description of the podcast that allows you to message me directly. I think it might even say message me, let me see if I can find it.

Jenny Benitez: 9:26

So I want to ask you guys about what your opinions are, with like a kind of phrasing that you use as women. So I have a tendency to say kind of or similar, like I kind of soften. I have a tendency to soften my language. I kind of soften. I have a tendency to soften my language. So instead of saying I am doing this, I'll say I'm thinking of doing this. I feel that this is a good path. I will not make it a declarative sentence. It'll be a softer declarative sentence and I'm trying to get out of the habit of that. I notice it more so professionally when I'm presenting and I am presenting a plan, I'll say kind of like this and I'm good at presenting, I toot my own horn here, but I am good at presenting. But I have this tendency to soften my language and I'm not very declarative.

Jenny Benitez: 10:43

So I don't know if it's like a me personally thing or if it's like if other women are noticing this about themselves as well, because it's just a way that we've learned to be assertive without being assertive, a way that we've learned to be assertive without being assertive. Maybe that's me thinking me, but message me, because in the description of the podcast it literally says send us a text message that's going to go right to me. I encourage you guys to message me. I would love to hear from you, because this is something that I noticed so much in myself so I wanted to bring it up to you, this language thing that I do. I'm trying really hard to say this is what it is, versus like I think this might be what it is. Please don't hate me, like that kind of thing. I'm working on it, okay. So, transitioning to this other post that I saw, it says someday your kids are going to figure you out, I promise you they will.

Jenny Benitez: 11:32

The type of parent you are, the type of spouse you are, how you treat other people, how much effort you put into them, you're either going to be someone they look up to or someone they never want to be like. Always remember they're watching and absorbing. This deeply, deeply, resonates with me. Now. It's crazy to think about it because I remember when I was a kid and observing my parents and there was this facade of perfection and this facade of we know everything. We are end, all, be all. We are the perfect image of what a married couple is meant to be, or we are the perfect in my household, catholic. We are the perfect Catholic family kind of thing.

Jenny Benitez: 12:32

Flash forward to 1997? No, flash forward to 1999, 2000, when my parents' marriage unraveled and they separated and the shockwave from people was astounding, because no one would have ever pictured or imagined that my parents were separating, because we did the vacations that exclusively almost were to Catholic, you know, focused family retreats Like I mean. We went to, we traveled to Portugal to visit Fatima. We went on a pilgrimage to Fatima as a family with my whole family, like cousins and aunts, and stuff like that. We did all these things and in the end it was really was a facade of perfection and what the image was and it crumbled. It crumbled in front of everybody. Now that was in the early 2000s, but I can remember back to 1997 when I had started seeing the cracks.

Jenny Benitez: 13:52

And when you're growing up in a household, all you know is what's in front of you, and so you don't even realize until you get a little bit older, like, oh, this is not how it's supposed to be, because there's things that you're brought up doing and you just assume everyone's doing it. But then you go to see your friend's house as your friend's parents and you're like, oh, this is interesting. Now, one of the things that I distinctly remember growing up was when I would observe my aunts and uncles or observe a friend's parents and I would see this affection transpire between the married couple and I remember thinking to myself like, wow, my parents aren't like that and I just assumed that's how it was, that married couples weren't affectionate to each other. They made that assumption. I made that leap because that's all I ever saw. Now the culmination of that that experience growing up, having that as my example but then seeing that that is not how everyone is.

Jenny Benitez: 14:57

As I got older, not a single part of me has any desire for any of these grand romantic gestures. Ever, ever in my life thought to myself like, oh, wouldn't it be beautiful if my boyfriend or my whatever husband filled the pool with candles and did a romantic poolside dinner or whatever this, and that there is no part of me that feels like that's something I would want. But again, this goes back to the root is I was never observing that. And then my parents, their marriage, dissolved, and then I had to form my own idea of what a relationship is, and I'm still learning At 40 years old. I'm still learning to this day. Jen, you need to be a little bit more affectionate. It sounds crazy, but this is what I observed.

Jenny Benitez: 15:59

So that post that I just read to all of you guys, you know, up until I was like 10, 11 years old, I had this perfect image of what my parents were and that crumbled before my very eyes because it was a facade. So my husband and I are very realistic. With our kids, there is no facade. They get like the full throttle of like this is mommy and Bobby, like this is how we are and we're very open and honest with them. And you know, speaking of triggers just a few minutes ago, I tell them I actually told my son, cause he, you know, I could tell like he gets bothered when I'm really tough on him. And I told him I was like look, I'm really sorry to say this to you, but your uncle used to bother me and I'm like, so every time you bother your sisters, it makes me crazy because I think of my, you know, your, your uncle, bothering me, so they already know, they know that. That's why mommy gets nuts, because you know. And they'll tell me like, oh yeah, cause you know, theo, theo, anthony used to do this. I'm like, yup, exactly. So they're like well aware of that.

Jenny Benitez: 17:06

But being honest with your kids about who you are and bringing them into your life and making them a part of your life versus trying to pretend you're something that you're not, is going to benefit them more than putting on this facade of like oh, we're perfect, we never get stressed. Or we're perfect, there's money freely flowing, or money freely flowing like or you know, we're perfect, like no, no, no, no one's perfect, and they need to know that, because the alternative here is that they're going to grow up with this idea in their head of a false perfection that isn't realistic. And then what is that going to do to them when they become adults? What is that going to do to their lives? Like? How far are they going to be able to go if they don't have this real, solid example from you? For you know what, what the reality of things could be? I'm not saying you know, we're like, we don't overshare, we share in an appropriate fashion with them, but still like. It's just having making sure that you have that through line to be able to tell them like yeah, you know what this is, mommy, and like, but not everyone's like us.

Jenny Benitez: 18:16

The girl, my, my girls talk all the time now about like, oh, you know, they have this, they're, they have this thing, where they'll say like oh, you and Bobby met in high school and you fell in love and I'm like no, that's not exactly right. We met when we were older and you know, then my um, my little guy, struggles with the fact that, um, I'm taller than my husband, I'm bigger than my husband, and um, he he said it to us the one time he was like I don't understand. I thought he said I thought boys are supposed to be bigger than girls, like why is mommy bigger than you? I just, I just am like you know, there is no, this is what it's supposed to be like. You're not, you know, like there, there is none of that. It really is just like this is who you end up with, because this is who you're meant to be with, kind of thing, and it's not about, like your preexisting thoughts of what you think it should it should be. You think it should be. You have to let that go and accept that you're going to receive what you're meant to receive and trust that that's going to be the right thing for you. So a lot of mom thoughts this morning and parenting thoughts this morning around all this.

Jenny Benitez: 19:24

So I do hope that you all had a great weekend. I am very interested, by the way, if any of you feel so inclined, to send me a message, but I am interested in hearing any feedback from you guys on softening of language and not being as assertive in how you speak. I'm very curious to see if anyone else is experiencing the same thing as I am. So I look forward to hearing from you guys on that, and there'll be another episode this week. Keeping it, keeping it a sane method here no holidays this week. So I should be good to go and I really greatly appreciate all of you listening, especially during the summer. I know it's tough, my schedule is obscene. You listening especially during the summer, I know it's tough, my schedule is obscene. So I greatly appreciate everybody continuing to follow along and hanging with me when you have time. If you can leave a review for the podcast on whatever platform you're listening on, I greatly appreciate it. Again, message me and I will see you on the next one. Take care everybody.