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Steel Roses Podcast
Steel Roses is a podcast created for women by women. Social pressures for women are constant. Professionals, stay at home moms, working moms, we are here to tell you that you are not alone! This podcasts primary focus is providing real honest content shedding light on the daily struggles of women while also elevating women's voices.
All women are experiencing similar pressures and hurdles, and yet, no one is talking out in the open. If these topics continue to only exist as whispered conversations then we further permeate a culture of judgement and shame.
Join Jenny weekly as she discusses topics that effect women in a relatable, honest way.
Steel Roses Podcast
Becky Upchurch, Navigating Personal Growth and Overcoming Fear
Imagine feeling unfulfilled while constantly catering to others' needs—sound familiar? Join us as we welcome mindset coach Becky Upchurch, who shares her incredible journey from academia to coaching, emphasizing the transformative power of teaching women to say no without guilt. Becky uncovers societal pressures that push women toward people-pleasing behaviors and the stress that results. Through her insights, we delve into the necessity of breaking free from ingrained patterns and creating lives that women genuinely love. As a mother raising strong, independent kids, I reflect on the importance of mindful communication in fostering their growth and independence.
Ever wondered why the brain resists change and how you can rewire it? We explore the science behind these concepts with references to Dr. Joe Dispenza's work and influential resources like "The Secret." Our conversation moves into the realm of personal growth and self-discovery, highlighting the discomfort and fear that often accompany significant changes. By sharing personal milestones and pivotal moments, we examine how to prioritize personal happiness and evaluate relationships to align with our evolving paths. The transition is not always easy, but as we discuss, it's essential for true fulfillment.
We also tackle the toxic mentality prevalent in today's work culture and the competitive environment among women. Reflecting on personal experiences, we stress the importance of setting professional boundaries to maintain a healthy work-life balance. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of authenticity, vulnerability, and community support. Whether sharing the real-life struggles of being stood up on a date or the emotional toll of trying to control everything, our stories aim to connect, inspire, and uplift women facing similar challenges. Tune in to discover how saying no can be a powerful step toward a more balanced and fulfilling life.
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Hi everybody, welcome to Still Roses podcast. This podcast was created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. I am very excited to introduce you to our guest today, becky Upchurch. Becky is a mindset coach who specializes in helping people create lives they love by saying no to the things they don't, without fear or guilt, creating space to pursue their goals and do more of what lights them up. Becky, you already know how excited I am to have you here. Welcome to the show. I think what you're about to, the wisdom that you're about to impart on us, I think is going to be pretty significant for a lot of women out there. So welcome to the show.
Becky Upchurch:Thank you. I am super excited to be here. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I saw when I was kind of getting to know who you were and learning about your work just your work in elevating women's voices and I think about that in terms of having women on your show, but also opening the door for women to use their voices, which, to me, this is kind of what this speaks to, because many of us were taught to use our voices to say yes as we smile, and I think there's a lot of other ways that we can use our voices, so hopefully we can talk about that today.
Jenny Benitez:Yes, and I have to tell you I'm especially interested in this line here that says creating lives, a life that you love, by saying no to things, because that in itself we can unpack for like three or four hours. But, becky, before you go into it, because I have a lot for you to talk about here, how did you, how did you get your start here? Like what? What inspired you to go into coaching? How did you get your start there?
Becky Upchurch:So, I actually came to coaching through the world of academia.
Becky Upchurch:I was a classroom teacher and I left the classroom to become an instructional coach and I actually love instructional coaching and that was where I did my first coach training.
Becky Upchurch:And then I have the realization of, you know, coaching is great in the world of education, but there is so much applicability in life and other spheres and that's what led me to enrolling in an ICF accredited coach training program and starting my company and it's been quite an interesting journey.
Becky Upchurch:And then, most recently, is what I had, this epiphany actually last year I can't remember if I was on a coaching call, listening to one of my coaches coach or if I was watching something she did but I just had this moment where I realized that, you know, I'd been focused on mindset for so long and it was kind of more general mindset stuff, because there's so many different areas of mindset that I'm passionate about and so many things I love. And then I just had this realization that, oh, something that a lot of women really struggle with is saying no and not feeling like crap about it, and that's something that I am super good at. So I was like, oh, maybe I should focus a little bit more on that, because, you know, if we really want to make change in the world, I feel like we have to dig into some of these places that aren't really talked about a lot.
Jenny Benitez:I completely agree.
Jenny Benitez:I think that for far too long, women's issues and things that we were experiencing and I always like to caveat this with like I'm not saying poo poo on men I love my husband, love men in general but like women go through a certain set of unfortunate experiences and it puts us on almost like, almost like a constant level of cortisol in some instances, like a constant strain on us and saying no is probably one of the hardest things for us to do.
Jenny Benitez:I only only after turning like I think I was like 37 or 38. Only then did I really start to like. That was like the second time I had the aha moment of like I have to set boundaries. The first time I realized I had to set boundaries and I needed to do things for myself, I was 25. And then it almost like reset itself again. And I've heard from other women too. A big barrier is wanting to be people pleasing yes and trying to and, like what you said, like you're trying to mold yourself into what everyone around you is looking for, but then you're not really living your life.
Becky Upchurch:Right, and I think that a big part of that comes into play with how we're raised. And you talked about kind of that distinction between men and women, and I say the same thing to people I love men, men are wonderful. I focus my coaching specifically on women, but I didn't start out that way. But I really started thinking about the fact that women do have a particular.
Becky Upchurch:You know, obviously not every woman there's always exceptions but as a whole, I find that women have a particular set of challenges that seem to be symptomatic across our gender and I think a lot of it is related to how we are socialized and some of the aspects of our culture and what we're taught about what it means to be a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, a good sister, daughter, friend, whatever it may be, and how much of that is ingrained in us from such a young age and we don't even realize it's there and yet it drives so much of our behavior.
Jenny Benitez:So I I reflect on this quite a bit because I have two daughters, I have twin girls and I have a little boy. So I have this mix in front of me that I'm like I want everyone to be strong, articulate, independent young people. And the girls are seven and I've always been very cautious about phrasing and how I'm like correcting them or how I'm communicating to them across all three kids. But with the girls in particular, they were really little and they might not ever remember this, but somewhere in their subliminal, you know, in the back of their mind it might be there, but I forget. One of the twins was doing something and it was very aggressive and I almost said, oh my gosh, you don't have to be so aggressive, stop that. And then I stopped myself and was like let's try to calm ourselves down. Like she was doing something, something in particular that I was like I don't want to say don't be aggressive, because I'm like I kind of want you to be aggressive. So I'm going to change that phrase and so I'm just very, very cautious because I do think like as a you know, a theoretical.
Jenny Benitez:All of us, as you said, are socialized from young, very young. So the images that we see on TV, in movies, the books that we're being exposed to, how we're perceived, how women are perceived in media all of that combined on a daily basis, we're being assaulted, basically, with this image of like this is what you're supposed to do and then, if you don't do this, like you're, you're not worthy of marriage or you're not. You can't be a mom and be like this at the same time. For for young women listening to this and trying to work out in their head like oh well, I say no to things like what would be, what would be something that you would say to someone that's like how would I know if I'm, if I have a problem saying no, like some people don't realize it, that they don't, that they have an issue with it. What would be like a tip?
Becky Upchurch:So I think one of the first things that I would look for is are you somebody who finds yourself thinking I never can find the time to get to my things.
Becky Upchurch:I never can find the time to do the things I really want to do? There's this thing I've wanted to try for a month and I can't seem to fit it into my schedule, Because that could often be a little, you know, a little flag waving saying hey, what's all the stuff that's in your calendar if it's not the stuff that you want to do? And then, if you start looking at it and you realize, and then another one is start really tuning into how you're feeling in situations. So you might be somebody who doesn't think you have, you know, a problem being a people pleaser, but if you find that you're even going to a social event and you're sitting there thinking I'm so tired, I wish I was home on my couch, Okay, Well, why aren't you home on your couch? Is it because you showed up, because you felt you had to was there that? Oh, I'm going to miss out, Someone's going to be upset with me.
Becky Upchurch:So sometimes it's really subtle things that we don't necessarily think to look for but, really tuning to how do I feel in different situations, because I am a firm believer that our body tells us everything we need to know if we learn to listen to it.
Jenny Benitez:I totally agree. I totally agree. At about 24, 25 was when I started to really pay attention to, like, what am I feeling? Do I really want to do this or am I just doing this because I feel obligated? Because what I started to notice and I'm not even really sure how I ended up down this path, but but I had started this self discovery phase of my life and I I realized that, like a lot of situations that I was in, I wasn't happy with it. Everyone around me was happy and I'm jumping through hoops like supporting everybody around me, but me myself I was like I'm not really happy, and this was prior to meeting my husband and I had.
Jenny Benitez:Really, at the time I was like I really want to meet someone, I'd like to have a partner, like I want to eventually get married and have kids, to meet someone I'd like to have a partner, like I want to eventually get married and have kids, and it just wasn't happening. And then that's when I think the moment came where I was like, well, I'm spending all my time doing everything that everyone else wants me to do, like I'm probably not going to meet someone, like decorating for someone else's child's birthday party, like that's probably not, and I think that might've been like the catalyst there, because then I actually had started to focus really in on me and like what I wanted. So when I met my husband, it became like this, almost like test for me, and I was like let me just use these tools that I've learned. At the time I was reading the book the Secret. It had just come out, it had exploded and I took it and I was like I'm going to try this, like I think this is a really good one for me.
Jenny Benitez:So I started seeing my husband and as soon as I started to like prioritize things that made me happy, I noticed that the folks that had been in my like quote unquote inner circle around me started to get really angry and started to attack consistently, like on a regular basis, being like this isn't you, you know, this isn't who you are, this is not you know, this is not the person we know. Like you're losing yourself. And the more they press, the more that I turned internally and really thought about that. I'm like well, how do I feel right now? Like do I have that pit in my stomach that I used to have and I would be, you know, obligated to go do something, or am I okay? And every time I came back and I was like, no, I'm happy. So if they're not happy for me, then they're probably not meant to be in alignment with my path moving forward, like that's where. That's actually how I started to look at it.
Becky Upchurch:I'm going to say no to things and I'm going to lose my friends, and people are going to be mad at me. And there's a few different ways to look at this, and I think you know one of them is that idea of well, if they are people I lose as a result, maybe they're not the right people for this stage of my life, this phase, this path that I'm taking. But it can also be a situation where there may just be some growing pains. Yeah, and what I mean by that is change is really hard, just like, fundamentally for human beings, change is not an easy thing. It feels very challenging.
Becky Upchurch:You know, one of the things that I find so interesting is conversations around even positive change.
Becky Upchurch:Feeling is so uncomfortable because we like status quo, our brains are designed for comfort, not growth, and so it can be really uncomfortable for us to change.
Becky Upchurch:And it can also be really uncomfortable for other people when we change, because, a they're dealing with the change factor and, b they're dealing with something else that I think most humans hate, which is lack of control. Yes, so you put those two things together and it's like, oh, I'm trying to navigate the two most uncomfortable feelings in the world, and there's this person in front of me who I think I know really well, and suddenly I'm questioning if I know them as well as I thought, because they're acting differently and I don't know what to do. And unfortunately, in a lot of situations, that discomfort comes across as they're mad at us, they are upset we have done something wrong, when in reality it's just they may need help navigating this journey as well, and so I feel like the right people will be able to navigate that discomfort with you and come out the other side, and I am a believer that those who don't or can't, it's worth maybe evaluating if they still belong in your life, what role they need to play.
Jenny Benitez:That was exactly my experience, and so anyone who's listening to this, yes, it feels painful in the moment and it even feels off to use in some instances because, as Becky had said, our brain, our brains, are not wired for change like we're not. We are actually not set up for that. I read a book by Dr Joe Dispenza where he talks through like the wiring in your brain and I had to read this section of the book like four times because it took a minute.
Becky Upchurch:Brain science is tough, I will tell you.
Jenny Benitez:I try to like pride myself on being like smart and being able to intelligence and everything, and this is like. It took me a minute. It took me a while, but I read this portion of his book where he talks through like that uncomfortable feeling that you're having is actually your brain rewiring itself. So, like on any given day or any given year, you're doing the same things over and over again and your body is wired to react emotionally the same exact way each time. And this is our comfort level. We're used to going through the same thing over and over again status quo, exactly what you said.
Jenny Benitez:If you decide to change something in your status quo, what you said, if you decide to change something in your status quo, your brain. It's almost like. Think about train tracks and you have now tried to make a change. So you've shifted the track and created a new set of tracks, and so your brain, little conductor, is like why am I going down this path? I've only made a right here, why is there now a fork in the road? And so your brain has to adjust to this new path. What I've recently experienced in the past year after gaining this knowledge is that each time I was on the precipice of good change, or something that was really pushing me towards growth is when I was the most uncomfortable and when I was the most scared, to be perfectly honest. But if you can just push past that point, then the rewards are many, and I'm not saying like oh, it's like prizes, but like your whole, your life trajectory can change for the better because you're pushing yourself into alignment with what you're actually supposed to be, in alignment with.
Becky Upchurch:Right, and I love that you bring that up. I actually had a conversation years ago with a friend of mine. I refer to her as my wise counsel. She is the person that I go to when I need perspective and wisdom, and we were having a conversation once that I don't even remember what it was about, but somehow the topic of discomfort came up and I said, well, that's where all the good stuff happens.
Becky Upchurch:And she kind of had that you know, aha moment of like, oh yeah, like hadn't really thought about it that way, but you know it, at the end of the day, growth is not always a linear process and it certainly doesn't feel easy. But I think that's part of why it's so rewarding, because it's like you said it's, the prize on the other side is being able to come out the other side and have the ability to really you know, I love to use the phrasing how I show up in the world for myself and for others, because I think that, again, as women, so many of us are socialized to focus on how we show up in the world for others, are socialized to focus on how we show up in the world for others, and I actually think it is just as important in fact more so to show up well for ourselves, because I would argue that if I am not showing up for myself, that I am not showing up well for you, even if I think I am.
Jenny Benitez:Oh, oh, yes, absolutely. You know, I never again. It's all these epiphanies that happened around me turning 40, by the way, like when I was leading up to turning 40, I had all these like really major epiphanies and I kept saying people, I'm like it's because I'm turning 40.
Becky Upchurch:It's like the golden age for me it's a good period of time.
Jenny Benitez:I will tell you like I don't know why everyone's so scared. This is awesome, this is wonderful. But you know, it's true, you go, go through these periods where you know you, you are questioning yourself, you're questioning what you're doing and it is that uncomfortability that really does push you into the next level. And I'll use the podcast as an example too, because the first, the first, like this it's funny. Funny because I know other podcasters that do the exact same thing the first few episodes, or first like I don't know couple months of episodes that I would post, episodes, I would literally like post it into my system and then I would like slam the computer and like run away from the computer because I was like so nervous of the fact that I'm putting myself out there and I've actually had people say that to me like I could never do that because you're really putting yourself out there and it's interesting because I don't.
Jenny Benitez:In the beginning it was scary. And now I'm like if I had never pushed that door open, I wouldn't have met like you and all these phenomenal women that are coming onto the podcast and I wouldn't be able to help share everyone's stories and all this, this great work that everybody's doing. Because you know, you yourself just said, like you originally were focusing, you weren't focused just on women, but now you are, and it's so crucial, especially for today's day and age, for us to have a really strong sense of ourselves and like what's driving us. Because a really strong sense of ourselves and like what's driving us because there's so much noise because of social media that it it honestly is scary to think about the amount of people that get lost because of what they're seeing online.
Becky Upchurch:Absolutely, and you kind of touched on that.
Becky Upchurch:You know, approaching 40, you're coming into 40.
Becky Upchurch:And I hear that from a lot of women that, like you know, I did start to feel like I was getting more confident in my forties, but, you know, maybe still have some work to do, but I definitely think there is something about turning 40.
Becky Upchurch:And you know, I go back and forth about is it that whole? You know, as we get older and we get wiser, hopefully we learn some things and we realize what matters and what doesn't. But I also think that that may be kind of the age yet to where we start to see that the narrative that we've been sold our whole lives has some flaws. And I think about, you know, growing up and it's like, oh, you know, for me it was like go to school and get a good job, and it's like, you know, it's like find a guy, get married, have a family and and how many, you know, women either end up not going down that path because they don't find the partner, or their life isn't, or they take that path and it's like, okay, I'm doing the things, I'm checking the boxes and checking the boxes.
Becky Upchurch:And it's kind of like you're always waiting for something, for what comes on the other side, and then nothing comes. And I think by the time you hit 40, you're like I just like I'm at 40. Like when's it coming? Like, you know, it's one thing when I'm 20. And it's like, well, I've got a long way to go. And then you hit 40. And you're like I'm, this is like half my life, maybe more. You know, come on what? Like where's the prize, where's the, where's the other side of? And I think that's when we start realizing that you know, life isn't a bunch of checkboxes to get us to a destination.
Becky Upchurch:I remember when I was a teenager, a friend of mine had this book and it was called the Journey is the Destination. Right, and I just love that phrase and it stuck with me for my whole life. That we think about, we're doing all of these things to get to a destination. The destination is death. So if you're doing all of this stuff to get to the end, well, what happens at the end is that we all die. So, rather than working, working, working to get to the destination, I feel like we need to start focusing on the journey right, and we don't have to wait till we're 40 to do that. We can start doing that whenever.
Jenny Benitez:You kind of like blew my mind a little bit just now with what you just said because I this is. So let me back up for a second in my head because I get that really excited. I had similar upbringing. Was like go to school, go to college, get a job. For me it was like get a corporate job.
Jenny Benitez:You need to make money, stability, get a pension, if you can do it Climb the ladder, work 80 hours a week, kill yourself for the job. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to kill yourself for the job. And I did kill myself for the job, like I was. I was the girl who got up and was in the office at seven and then didn't leave until seven at night, like that was like, and I was proud of it, and I wore my burnout like a badge of honor, like this is great, this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
Becky Upchurch:And I will tell you that is one of my biggest pet peeves in life, cause I think far too many women do that and I'm like let's stop normalizing that. Oh, oh, we have to.
Jenny Benitez:You know, and what's crazy is that the agency that I had joined when I was fresh out of college, they actually like advocated for burnout. And they literally used to say, like this was what I was told when I was hired this is your first project that you're working on, XYZ. Here you go, like, handed me the stuff I have no idea what, what's what and then it was like, yeah, we like to do trial by by fire. And I was like, Okay, and I didn't know what that meant, but that was my first learning. And then that was, I was with them for about four and a half years, roughly.
Jenny Benitez:Well, I took that attitude with me when I left and for a lot of years I was like, well, if you can't succeed at this, I don't know what to tell. Like, and I was not like a pleasant. I was pleasant to work with, but not really because I was one of those people that was like, oh, you have time to take lunch. Well, then, you have more time for more projects. Like I should give you more work to do, Like that was the mentality and it's it's so horrendous because it took me a really long time.
Jenny Benitez:I don't think I even got past it until I was like early 30s, and then I was like this is not how you're supposed to be working with people, and it took me many years to to pull back from that, and I still know people to this day that still work in that way. And I'm like you don't have to do that, though. Like, why do we feel the need to do that? There's that and there's also this underlying pressure for women to, like attack each other in the workplace and I don't mean physically, you know what I mean Like, oh, why I can't help. I can't, you know, advocate for my fellow female colleagues, because then there's not enough for me. Like that's not really, that's not there. Like that, actually, that rhetoric is set up for us to be like haggling with each other, when we should really be trying to elevate each other and lift each other up.
Becky Upchurch:Yeah, that's a narrative that is perpetuated in our culture so deeply that you know there's not a lot of space at the table. Yep, you know, and I love the expression that people talk about. You know, instead of trying to determine who is going to get the last seat at the table, why don't we just go out and buy a bigger table? Yeah, and I think about you know. There's the story of somebody asking Ruth Bader Ginsburg well, when is it going to be enough, when is it going to be enough to have you know what is enough women on the court? And she said when it's all of them? And the person was appalled by that and she was like, but it's funny, nobody was appalled when it was just men, but the idea of something being all female is, like, shocking and counter counter which tells you what our culture perpetuates, right?
Becky Upchurch:And so I think it is that idea of if I'm a woman, especially in like a corporate space where maybe it's a male-dominated space, and I believe that there's a scarcity situation. I think a lot of us are taught we have to compete in order to get that spot. I will tell you for me, when I see women who are very competitive and very combative with other women, what I feel is I look at that person and I say it must be difficult to feel that insecure. Yes, because I think that when you are truly confident and you truly know what you bring to the table, you don't have to compete with anyone. I always make the joke, you know. I said you know, if somebody ever asked me what I bring to the table, I just look at them and say I bring the damn table Because I I'm going to go into a situation confident, knowing what I have to offer.
Becky Upchurch:And I think it ties back to that idea of saying no. You know, I had somebody asked me recently about saying no at work and you know you can't say no at work. And I think so many of us think we can't say no at work Because, again, we think our value is tied to how many hours we work or how much burnout. But I would argue that, you know, I remember many years ago I had a colleague that worked insane hours and it was like, oh, this person works like 12 hour days. And finally I said to somebody I said I don't know that person, I don't know their situation. I said but has anybody also ever asked like maybe it's not that that person is very dedicated, maybe it's that that person is very inefficient, because that could also be true right.
Becky Upchurch:But we just assume, oh, you work 12 hour days, six days a week, you must be really dedicated. Well, not necessarily. So I think, just kind of questioning these narratives that we've been fed, that we bought into and like, hey, maybe I don't need to work 80 hours a week because what I accomplish in 40 is better than what other people do at 80. Right, and building that confidence in ourselves and recognizing what we bring to the table, whether it be in work, in relationships, as a parent, as a friend, and really trusting that who we are and the way that we show up is our value and that we don't have to jump through hoops to get approval to define our worth, I um I had gone on like a bit of a you know, professional journey, as I mentioned, and it's very in line with, like what you're saying.
Jenny Benitez:And it started when I was about like 37 ish or whatever and, um, I had gotten put on this project and I didn't have capacity for it. I said I was like I can't support this project, like I don't, I don't have enough time, I can't do it, I have too much other things. And um, I got put on it anyway. I all of a sudden just was on it. I was just getting emails and they were like Jenny, do this? And I was like I said I can't do this. So it was like I said no, but they didn listen. So I went through this whole period for about three weeks or so where I was working 12, 15 hour days and my kids were very little at the time. And you know, my my husband, bless him was he. He had slowed down his work so like he had stopped working during COVID and then he was stay at home dad so that I could do my profession, like he knew how important it was to me. And so he was. He was handling the kids and I would come out to like make breakfast and do baths or whatever, and then I would go back into my office and it was like constant because I worked from home. And at the end of the three weeks I was like had this epiphany, almost breakdown moment of like I haven't, haven't seen my kids and they look bigger now and I lost three weeks. I'm like can't get it back. And after that happened I realized I was like that was the thing that really pushed me to be like I have to stop this now, because for me it was my kids. For other people it might be something else. That is your moment of like. I'm sacrificing myself for my job. But at the end of the day, here I'm just a number, I am completely replaceable, and just killing yourself for your job is not really going to get you anywhere. Because if you were to die today, if you are one of these folks, that's a workaholic like how I used to be. If you were to die today, your job is going to get you anywhere. Because if you were to die today, if you are one of these folks, that's a workaholic like how I used to be. If you were to die today, your job is going to be posted within 24 hours, 48 hours, they're going to hire someone to replace you. They're not going to do anything.
Jenny Benitez:So after I had this period where I was like crazy at work, I found out through another colleague that a former colleague of mine had died. She was only in her early 40s. She worked herself to death. She was a workaholic, constantly in the office, didn't go to the doctor when she was sick, would just over-the-counter medicines, and by the time she died she was again early 40s about where I'm at right now and she was leaving her house and she dropped dead on her front lawn because she had had a urinary tract infection that backed up into her kidneys and then she ended up going septic. She never addressed it, she just kept powering through and I found out about that and then, after what I had just gone through and I was like I have to make a change here.
Jenny Benitez:So at my current place of work, when I was interviewing I said I was like I don't do travel and I need to be able to from 330 to 430, like block my calendar because I have to get my kids off the bus from school. I'm like I'm not going to rush it, I'm not going to rush them. I'm not going to compromise myself Like I need to set these boundaries. Becky, I, for the first six months of the job, had to consistently remind people I cannot get on a call with you from 330 to 430.
Jenny Benitez:That was probably the hardest thing Professionally as a, as a woman, as a mother, like having to constantly tell people no, but I can meet you tomorrow morning or we can meet earlier in the day, but I cannot do it. At that time it was, it was very difficult and it was because of that constant need to have to tell them like, no, can't do it, you know. And then I even had a recent situation where, even though all this history that I have and I know that setting the boundary is important where I was asked to do something work related, travel and I had to say I was like I can't do that, my kids are young. Like I have to be here I. This is the line that I've drawn and I'm sticking with it. And even with all the knowledge that I have, I still am uncomfortable with it. I do it, but I'm uncomfortable.
Becky Upchurch:Yeah, yeah, and I think that's the thing we we sometimes underestimate how uncomfortable we're going to feel, but again, when it's, it's so normalized to say yes and it's so normalized to. Oh well, you don't want to be the person at work who's not the team player. You don't want to be the person at work who's not the team player. You don't want to be the one person who's not staying late or the one person who's not in the meeting.
Becky Upchurch:But again, I think a lot of that balance is. You know, the fact that you were very upfront about this is what I'm willing to do and not do.
Becky Upchurch:I think there are some people who would say, well, I can't do that, I won't get the job. Well, you're proof that that's untrue, right, right. And so I think the more evidence we can collect that some of these things that we have been taught to believe are just simply untrue, the easier it becomes to take the chances and to start. You know, I always give the analogy of it's like a muscle. You know, the more you do something, the more comfortable you get with it. I joke all the time that my favorite word is no, and you know I love saying yes to people and things. But the reason I love saying no is because I fundamentally believe that every time you say no to something that you do not want whether it be something you don't want in your life, something you don't want to do or something that does not serve you it creates space for saying yes to things that do.
Jenny Benitez:Oh, I like that.
Becky Upchurch:I feel like everything in life is a balance right. So if I'm saying yes to five things I don't want to do, that's five things I do want to do, that I now have to say no to right. So it's like I have to say no to my things to make space for your things. Or I say no to your things or society's things or whoever's, and then those are things that I can now bring in that I want to cultivate my life.
Jenny Benitez:I haven't heard of it, I haven't heard that articulated in that way before, but that makes a lot of sense, because if you're saying yes to everyone else's things like if I, if I only have Saturday and Sunday free to myself and I'm saying yes to everybody else, that means that I have no time for my things, which I will say I did know, like this past year I was making it, I was making it like a very serious mission of mine to be trying not to do that, you know, and putting myself in positions where I was like committing to things that I knew I was going to be upset about or frustrated with. And one thing that I did commit to is that on the weekends that I am having time where I am just like hanging out with my family, and that sounds like, oh well, jenny, just like hang out with your family. But I have always had this thing where I couldn't sit down and relax and watch a movie because I have to do the dishes or I have to clean the law, I have to do the laundry, I have to fold the laundry, oh, but if I don't fold the laundry now, but then I have to get dinner on the table and if I get don't get dinner on the table, that's going to push baths back. And then if I and it was like this constant like pressing of, like, oh no, you have to constantly be doing all the things and again, only in the past year have I started to really recognize, like you don't have to do, that you can actually sit down and like play games with your kids and go in the pool. What the play games with their kids? And go in the pool what the Becky?
Jenny Benitez:We moved into our home in 2022. And the first year that we were here where the pool was open no-transcript, because I was constantly working, and then I would get off of work and I would start dinner right away and then it would be bath time and it would be this and it would just snowball and I literally, and somebody, somebody asked me oh, you must be in the pool all the time and I was like no, I'm not. This is terrible. I'm like I'm no fun. This is horrible. What we talked, this is horrible. We talked about. You know there's obviously, you know saying no is an issue Fear and guilt for women. You know that's like loads to unpack but, like in your work, what are you seeing? Fear of and guilt with the most.
Becky Upchurch:So the fear is rejection, and we don't necessarily see it as rejection, but that's how I see it and I think it's really again. It really goes back, so so so far, into, not even just for women, how we're socialized, but back to, like, the origins of human survival.
Becky Upchurch:When you think about how people survived and you couldn't survive on your own right, you had to be part of a community, you had to be part of a group and if you were living in a community and that community ostracized you, you most likely weren't going to survive on your own in early days of you know existence. Obviously, now you know life is very different. But when you think back to like how we evolved in community with one another, we are foundationally designed to live in community with other people. And so, even though in 2024, when we're having this conversation, if one of my friends ostracizes me, it's not, I'm not going to die from it. Right, I'm not at. You know, it's not like, oh, I've been thrown out into the wilderness on my own with no food or water or weapons and there's wild animals ready to eat me. That's not the scenario, unless I'm doing something really weird with my friends and it goes awry. Things is, oh my gosh, I'm in danger, I am going to lose that community. I'm going to lose that connection, like we are wired for human connection. So the fear is really that rejection, that if I say no, if I set this boundary, and that person gets upset because you know, again, most of us, if we've set boundaries and we've said no, have had the experience of somebody kind of bristling at it. Yeah, so then it's like, oh well, I know they're going to get upset with me and then what happens? So it's that fear of rejection, it's that fear of losing that community and not being accepted and not being a part of things.
Becky Upchurch:The other piece of it, you know, the guilt, I think, goes back to our identities. You know, just listening to you talk about, you know, coming home and not using the pool because it's like, well, I've got to get dinner started and we don't want to mess up the bath schedule. And that makes perfect sense to me, hearing you say it, and I bet you it would make perfect sense to every woman listening to this conversation. And yet I think the average man would be like, well, why don't you just give the bath leave? We're like, well, why does dinner have to be at a certain time? Right, and not because they don't care, but because they were socialized differently. Yes, they see their roles, like I'm. I don't know your husband at all, but I imagine he probably doesn't sit there and think about what time the bath and the dinner, and it's just not how men are programmed or wired or raised in our society as a whole.
Becky Upchurch:And so I think that's where the guilt comes in. It's I have to and that's you know. You'd asked earlier about kind of signs that maybe we need to set some boundaries, and one of the things you know, if you find yourself using language either to friends or to yourself, I have to, I need to, right, I do that one a lot. It's like, oh well, I need to do this thing and it's like do I really need that or am I just using that verbiage Because it's something that I don't actually want to do and maybe it's somebody else's stuff or stuff that I've made my stuff that I don't actually want to be my stuff.
Jenny Benitez:It's um, I haven't talked through any of this in a really long time and it's interesting to refresh my memory on all of it Because I've been on the journey for so long. But the the socialization is is interesting to observe between little boys and little girls, and I see it with my kids and as much as, like my husband and I were very active communicators. So we will, we talk our kids through everything, even when they get in trouble, like if they, you know, yell at them or whatever. We talk that we talk to them, post and we're like okay, this is what happened, let's, you know, talk through this and everything. So they're all getting raised pretty similar, like that's all happening the right way.
Jenny Benitez:But for some reason, for some reason, my son feels that he needs to be the in charge, like the leader, and I know that he's picking things up for my husband, which is very cute to see. Like him taking on this, I'm the man role. But in my house it's a bit of an issue because I also am teaching the girls like you are leaders, to like we're leaders here, we're not followers, and the the amount of stress this causes my son because he wants so badly to be like this is it, and this is how it is. And the girls are like no, I will not do that, and and. So now we're teaching them tools to like work with someone in that scenario, like, okay, well, if he doesn't want to do this or he's not listening to you, because they'll come to me and be like, oh, he's not listening or he's not, you know, doing what I'm asking him to do I tell them like, well, you know, it's okay to move on Like you might want him to, but if he doesn't want to, like, you can only control yourself. You can't control other people.
Jenny Benitez:That was also a big lesson for me that I had to learn.
Jenny Benitez:And so now, like I'm trying to, I'm trying everything. Let me tell you, becky, everything that I learned in the past like five years. I'm trying to make sure that my kids get all that now at seven and eight, because for a really long time, I would get incredibly stressed out about what other people were doing and the need to like control and and you know, be like well, I'll set all this up and I'll do this. And you know, just show up and and and me like articulate, like having to make sure everything was running exactly how I saw. It's taken like years for me to like, let go, years for me to like, let go of that and to let go of that ego control where I'm like, oh, I'm all the way at the top of the tower now and I'm in control of all the things and it can't run without me, just can't, and. But it can run without me, everyone else can do it, I don't have to be stressed out and I, you know, could get like less wrinkles this way.
Becky Upchurch:The world will keep on turning right If we don't show up for a day, and I think that that's such an important point, as is that idea of control, because I will tell you.
Becky Upchurch:That is one of the things that I want everybody to understand about setting a boundary. I think there are so many people that have been taught or have somehow learned or come to understand boundaries as a boundary is something I do to get another person to behave a certain way or stop behaving a certain way, a certain way, and that is not, in fact, what a boundary is.
Becky Upchurch:And if you set a boundary, thinking I'm going to say or do this thing, so that the other person just stop right there, Because you can set a boundary and tell that person I don't like it when you do this. And if you do this, here's going to be your consequence, quote, unquote, and that person can smile and say OK, and then just keep doing that thing over and over and over again. And so we have to really think about what do I need for myself to be at peace? What do I need for myself? Again, it goes back to how do I want to show up for myself and in the world, and what boundaries do I need to set to show up in that way? How do I want to make peace in this situation and really make it about us, not in a selfish way, but in a I am the only person I have control over way.
Becky Upchurch:And I am the worst that I will remember things, and it's like I remember part of the quote but I don't remember who said it. So there's a quote that I'm fairly certain was said either by Elizabeth Gilbert or Brene Brown, and the gist of the quote is about having control. And it's like you know, thinking that if I just do these things, that I can, you know, get control back or I can have control. But what we don't realize is we never had control, we just had anxiety.
Becky Upchurch:I think that's such a perfect thing for so many women is we spend so much time trying to kind of manipulate the situation, trying to be the overseer of all things, to streamline all things, to take on all the things to make sure they go the way we want them to, to make sure things go smoothly, thinking that if we do all the things and we do all the things right, then everything will go exactly as we had planned and we will have control. But we never have control. We just are creating anxiety for ourselves. And I feel like we see that so much with women, where it's like why do I feel anxious all the time? It's like because you feel like you are responsible for the entire world.
Becky Upchurch:And I will never forget, many years ago I was having a conversation with someone and we were kind of talking about feeling the weight of the world, and the person was like I don't know why you feel like you're responsible. And basically what I said to them. I said you know, it's like that line from the Bible those to whom much has been given, much is expected. And I said I feel like I'm somebody who's been given a lot and I'm somebody who's been blessed a lot, and so I feel like a lot, like I owe a lot in return, if that makes sense, because I've been given so much. It is incumbent upon me to, to, you know, step up.
Becky Upchurch:And I said you know, and sometimes it just feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, like I'm responsible for everything and everyone all the time, and I just remember the person saying wow, that sounds really exhausting, yeah, and I think about how many women you know and I was, I think, in my 20s when that conversation happened but I think how many women couldn't be having that conversation in their 20s or their 30s or their 40s.
Becky Upchurch:You know there are women who are way past their 40s who I think still, you know, struggle with some of this, and it really is. Take all of those things that we've been taught and all of those assumptions that we make about how we can maintain control and how our being more involved gives us more safety or gives us more of the outcomes we want, and it's scary to kind of acknowledge that that might not be true. Like I can show up fully, I can try to manipulate the situation and I may not get what I want, but I think it can also be very freeing to realize and that you know what. I can just show up the way I want to, not the way I think I have to.
Jenny Benitez:Well, because the reality of it is is that if you're not showing up authentically, then you're creating a whole course that is not really meant to be. And if you're not showing up authentically and you're showing up how you think you need to show up and you're controlling things how you think that they should be controlled, then you're not leaving yourself that space for the what. If it aligns for me and you know, when you show up. When I started really really being myself and really being true to like what does Jenny want here? How is Jenny feeling about this situation? When I started doing meditations daily and affirmations I have my kids doing affirmations every night like a Becky. It's like real here.
Jenny Benitez:Without all those tools of like affirmations, visualizations, meditation, like journaling, reading, you know, expanding the mind a little bit, like, without all those tools I would be in a. I don't even know what place I would be in right now. I'd still probably be in this house but, like, mentally, I don't think I would be in a good headspace because when I was on the path where I was controlling everything, I wasn't in a, I wasn't in a good headspace and my kids used to tell me, like mommy, like why do you look so sad all the time. Why are you always mad? Mommy screams a lot. Mommy, you want to? One of the girls say to me the one time and it like crushed me, as children's words usually do she said something to the effect of like we're not, we're not good enough, that's why you yell at us, yep. And I was like, oh God, and it was in that brief time that I told you where I was like really stressed out and my work was like totally out of whack and I had no boundary set and I was doing all the things. Well, I was showing up as like a terrible human person, in my opinion, in comparison to what I could be, because I wasn't filling my cup and I was just taking, taking, taking and filling everything else for everybody else and trying to control things, and it did no good for me or my family.
Jenny Benitez:So it's it's incredibly important for women to to get on board with this and really start looking into, in my opinion, coaching and partnering with somebody and I mean I have accountability partners that I reach out to when I'm feeling like kind of low and I'm like hey, like you want to chat real quick, like I can do, and most of it's. What's really funny is like nine times out of 10. They reply and they're like, oh my god, me too, I really need to talk, like let's just like right. So really none of us are.
Jenny Benitez:This is not unique to me, this is not unique to Becky. This is all of us going through this. We're all in the same boat. We need to start reaching out to each other and supporting each other and talking to each other. And then Becky has this wonderful skill set. She could actually guide you in what tools to use, because there is a lot of misinformation out there. So you know, it's not just like, oh, you know, you're just thinking happy thoughts, like there's a lot more to it. You know, like you ever see those. It actually kind of irritates me now when I see posts that are just like you know, think happy and that simple, and I'm like well, it's not that simple.
Becky Upchurch:It's part of it, but it's not all of it. Well, it's funny. I'm I'm chuckling because my my best friend and I were having a conversation the other day about toxic positivity, um, and, and one of the things that I take great pride in and I was talking about with somebody else last week was, um, one of the best compliments I got, um as a coach from someone was you know what I like about you? They're like you're a life coach, but you're not one of those life coaches that's just like oh, everything's wonderful, life is amazing. And I was like, yeah, because, like, life can be really hard and that's the thing is pretending that things are not difficult.
Becky Upchurch:Does it make them better? No, better is saying this situation feels difficult. How do I navigate it? And how do I navigate it in a way that feels better for me, not like well, I'm just going to pretend it's great until it becomes great Like there are things in life that are going to feel difficult, and that's just kind of how life works.
Becky Upchurch:I think sometimes people have this idea that, oh, when you figure things out and you get life together and you get tools, that everything is great all the time and it's like, no, you just have tools to navigate when things are great and when things are not. And I think to your point, you know the willingness to talk about these things, the willingness to be open, to be present. You know, I remember years and years ago talking to my sister and I was supposed to go on a date and I had gotten stood up and I just had like I didn't think that was a real thing that happened. I thought it was like something that happened in the movies, like a bad plot line on a sitcom. You know, I was like crying, not even over the person, I just I think it was like I just was so shocked and hurt and and just all the things, and I call and I'm it was like I just was so shocked and hurt and and just all the things, and I call and I'm talking to my sister about it and she's like, you know, I just wouldn't think about it anymore, just like go home, get some rest, cause I had pulled over in like a McDonald's parking lot and crying and talking to my sister and I said I'm going to do that. I'm going to like delete his number and not think about it anymore.
Becky Upchurch:I was like as soon as I go live and talk about it to strangers on the internet. And she was like, I'm sorry, what are you about to do? And I was like, well, here's the thing. I was like this is really sucky, yeah, and I didn't think it was something that happened until my then business coach at the time, who used to be a dating coach, talked about what my dating coach clients would get, stood up and I was like, wait, this is like a thing that happens all the time, like I had no idea and how many people don't know that and how many people need to hear this message?
Becky Upchurch:And and it was not, you know, going on camera with cry face not my finest moment, I'm sure, but also the willingness to share our experiences. And obviously it's a little bit different when you do this work professionally and I I'm a firm believer of as a coach you are asking people to be very vulnerable and open with you, and so, while certainly it's not the same relationship, going in the opposite direction, I do think that, as coaches, we need to be willing to share things and not always put our best face forward and to acknowledge that like hey, like, my life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. I always argue. If you have somebody that tells you that everything in their life is perfect, I personally would be very suspect.
Jenny Benitez:Yeah, that's actually pretty suspicious, it's not possible, and I love that. I love what you just said too, because I think that's actually pretty suspicious. Yeah, it's not possible, and I love that. I love what you just said too, because I think that's also part of the apprehension with folks look seeking out coaches because, well, one they're like a life coach, like what, what kind of, what kind of dummy am I? I can't figure this out. It's like okay, first of all, everybody needs help. Like raise your hand, like let's do this, like you want to knock this out of the park, like find somebody, like Becky, or find Becky, and you know. So that that's one thing.
Jenny Benitez:The vulnerability factor and sharing the stories, I mean clearly that's what the podcast, that's what this podcast was founded on. It was founded on the fact that I was really struggling as a mom and as a professional combined and I was like there has to be other women going through the same thing I'm going to. I want to start to affect change. I want people to hear these stories. I want people to be in touch with other women, to hear other women's stories, and there's quite a few guests that actually have come on that have gone through some significant, massive trauma and they actually turned it into something where I'm like you know what? I'm going to? Share my story. I'm going to help other people. A lot of women are doing it now and they're coming to this podcast, which is like blowing my mind, because that's what this was created for.
Jenny Benitez:I just did a. Yeah, I mean, I just did a. I just did an episode, you know, recently and like the next day one of the guests was one of the guests for the fall was kind of said to me. She was like I'm so glad you posted that episode. It was so raw and essentially on the episode, I like kind of broke down a little bit. But I also I said I was like I'm having a tough time and I don't want anyone to get the perception that this is easy.
Jenny Benitez:Like I work full time, I podcast almost full time and then I have my kids and my husband and my house and like everything else that I'm supposed to be carrying, you know to do, and I'm like it's not easy, you know, and I don't want anyone to ever get the misperception that it's like, oh, everything's perfect and this is like no, hell, no, no, definitely not. So I'm so glad you said that because your, your style is what's sorely needed, because it's real. This is real. You're not sitting here saying everything's perfect and sunshine and rainbows coming out of everything all the time. No, it's a real way to approach life and you're providing the tools for folks to actually be able to, like you said, manage things as they come. For folks to actually be able to, like you said, manage things as they come.
Becky Upchurch:Becky, I could probably talk to you for like six more hours, I just want you to know.
Jenny Benitez:I know, I know I just saw the time and I was like, oh my gosh, listeners, I'm going to link all of Becky's things, all her content, wherever you can reach Becky, it's going to be linked in the description of the podcast. Becky, thank you so much for coming on.
Becky Upchurch:I greatly appreciate it, and I think the listeners will appreciate it. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun and I feel like we have a lot of synergy, and so it's always good to talk to somebody like minded, who it's like.
Jenny Benitez:I get excited. Well, listeners, thank you so much for joining us on this episode and we'll see you on the next one.
