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Steel Roses Podcast
Steel Roses is a podcast created for women by women. Social pressures for women are constant. Professionals, stay at home moms, working moms, we are here to tell you that you are not alone! This podcasts primary focus is providing real honest content shedding light on the daily struggles of women while also elevating women's voices.
All women are experiencing similar pressures and hurdles, and yet, no one is talking out in the open. If these topics continue to only exist as whispered conversations then we further permeate a culture of judgement and shame.
Join Jenny weekly as she discusses topics that effect women in a relatable, honest way.
Steel Roses Podcast
Julie Sedler's Journey of Empowerment and Resilience
In this episode, we explore the transformative power of facing fear and embracing change with Julie Sedler, a storyteller and coach who shares her journey after divorce through her memoir, "Watch Me." Julie emphasizes the importance of support systems, journaling, and redefining failure on the path toward personal growth and healing.
• Introduction of Julie Sedler and her transition from engineer to storyteller
• Discussing personal challenges and the impact of divorce
• The role of journaling as a method of healing
• Importance of coaching and support during life changes
• Redefining failure and the courage to "quit" when necessary
• Embracing life transitions and the metaphor of the trapeze artist
• Encouragement for listeners to seek their own paths to transformation
• Reflection on the shared human experience of overcoming struggles
Julie invites listeners interested in personal growth to reach out and explore their own journeys of transformation.
Looking for more?
https://home.juliesedler.com/
https://www.instagram.com/julie_sedler_author/
Watch Me Book
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Hi everybody, this is Steel Roses podcast. This podcast was created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. I am very excited to introduce all of you to Julie Sedler. Julie is a chemical engineer by training, but a storyteller at heart. She spent years journaling and writing down her inspirations on random, random post-it notes on random post-it notes. In 2023, she released her first memoir Watch Me on how she transformed her life after divorce.
Speaker 1:She's also here to provide support to others as they unlock the next level and achieve their dreams. Whether you prefer one-on-one coaching or self-paced courses, she has the tools and expertise to support you every step of the way. Her hope is that sharing her experiences will show someone else what the rainbow looks like after the storm has passed. And I have to say that last line is one of my favorite things about everything about you because, julie, that's a huge part of why I'm doing this podcast is because I want people to see you might be in the thick of it right now, but you know what Most of us are and it's okay and you're going to make it through. So, julie, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:Hi, thank you so much for having me. I'm really, like I got a little chill. I have really been excited and looking forward to having this discussion with you, just because, like I, stand for so many of the same things that you do and, like you said, you know, get seeing that rainbow at the other end of the storm is such a universal experience. Right, everyone goes through some level of change or stress or challenge in their life. No one's immune to the byproducts of living, right, like we all have things that happen in our lives that we need to figure out a way to move through, and so my books, my experience, is really highlighting some of those situations that we go through where we sort of feel like we're alone while we're experiencing these things. But the reality of that is that we are not alone, and that's I mean.
Speaker 2:So my book Watch Me really focuses on what happens when you get a divorce or you leave a long-term relationship and all of the things that happen before, during and after that, and there is this real potential for tremendous amounts of growth that accompany the tremendous amounts of pain. So I like to think of this as a way to kind of walk people through, like holding your hand, like you can experience something by reading this book and it will touch parts and pieces of you where you can be, like I can really relate to that and hopefully show you ways that maybe you didn't consider before about how there could be a silver lining or how you could use that potential experience to up-level your life into something better. So that's really the focus of my books, that's the focus of my courses, that's the focus of my coaching work and I bring to that, you know, my 20 years of experience in the workforce to help people who you know their big dream is to you know, uplevel in their job or whatever your dream is. It is possible.
Speaker 2:It is figureoutable and if there's anything I could say, you know the version of Jeannie before this book starts, so pre-2018, she's just like terrified of everything.
Speaker 2:She's really kind of even just afraid of living. So she's not living, she's not really doing much of anything, she's really just kind of coasting, and she's really coming to the conclusion in the beginning of the book that that's not going to cut it, yeah, and that everything in life is figureoutable, even if it's scary, you can figure it out and there's support out there for you to assist you in figuring that out. And so I love this book as like a beacon of hope for people who maybe have that inkling, that nudge, that nickel inside of them that they want to do these bigger things, or they're made for bigger things, but that fear is keeping them in a place where they're not taking action on that. And that is where I can really help people to get to the other side, because I can map out a course of action for you. I can be your guide to help you get to the other side. So I love, love helping people go through that transformation, because it's so freaking scary it's terrifying.
Speaker 2:At the same time, and it's really hard to hold both of those things all at once, because both of those things, both of those emotions are very, can be very overwhelming.
Speaker 1:It's the fear, I think, and I personally, the fear for me is almost debilitating and it kind of pulls you down. What did you say? Hi, have we met? Yeah, I'm like it's like it's the wildest thing, because you would look at me from the outside and not even think for a second that I'm afraid to do anything that I'm doing.
Speaker 2:Like on the inside it's freaking out man.
Speaker 1:Well, and it's funny because, like I was just so, I just I did a recording yesterday which, by the way, I have to tell you, I should probably connect you with this woman, because she said the same phrase to me and she literally had on the plaque, on a plaque behind her on her desk everything is figureoutable and I was like I commented on it and as soon as you said it just now, I'm like, oh my God, I just spoke with somebody else who said the same thing, but I was speaking to this woman and one of the things that we were talking about was when you're running a business or whatever, when you're an entrepreneur, was when you're running a business or whatever, when you're an entrepreneur.
Speaker 1:And I said something about being a podcaster and how much I love this, how much I want it to grow. But the way that I phrased it to her was my little side hustle. I kind of demeaned it a little bit and she turned it around and she said to me she's like listen, I just want you to know that not one man that has pitched me podcast ideas has ever told me it's my little side hustle. They always come in hard and strong and say like this is it for me, regardless if they have a day job or not. She was like you have, obviously you have a career, so that's why you call this your little side hustle. She was like but this is not your side hustle, this is your thing that you love to do, and I think you should just rebrand it right now.
Speaker 2:This is your passion.
Speaker 1:This is my passion and so, like I said to her, like after we hung up, I was like I had all these, like it was like a domino of epiphanies of oh my God, I've been holding back so much just because I'm scared of like really pulling the trigger, really diving in. Yeah, what if it?
Speaker 2:is successful. What if I?
Speaker 2:got everything I actually wanted. How would I be able to hold it? And you're not alone, and you so. One of the things about this book is that my inner dialogue is another character. So not only are so in books. You know you're privy to. This is what I said, this is what he said, this is the setting around us, but in this book you're also getting my inner dialogue, like I'm in real time saying what the actual F is going on, and you can read that and it's very, it's stylized in a way where you understand, based on the formatting of the book, that this is my inner dialect.
Speaker 2:So you're privy to understanding what my mindset is, and you're privy to understanding what it is that I'm afraid of, and you're privy to how I gently start to challenge these things that are happening in my life and my role in it and what I'm accountable for and how I'm going to overcome it.
Speaker 2:And in some cases the universe really does intervene and you don't necessarily have all that much sway right, kind of feel like they come out of left field or really to put you on track, to align you to where you were meant to go, and in other ways, like you can really steer the ship. You have a lot more control over things than you think that you do, so you can chart the course along with me. So for the people who are joining us who don't know, this book is formatted into three sections. Each one roughly covers a year, and then each chapter within that so 12 chapters within three segments is roughly covering one to two months. So you're really looking at a three to three and a quarter year period of my life. Okay, in some cases that's not really a lot of time. Right, I'm 40. That's not that much of my life. But in other cases, when you look at what I did and what I accomplished and what happened in that span of time, that's a lot of stuff to put back in there.
Speaker 2:So we've got 2020,. We've got a global pandemic. We've got sheltering at home, we've got work from home, we've got shutdowns and toilet paper shortage no toilet paper that's exactly what I was going to say.
Speaker 2:And I comment, like I go to Target in like mid-March of 2020, and I'm sort of falling into this panic buying. I'm like there's not much on the shelves and I'm like, seriously, this is all that's left on the shelves. You've got to be kidding me. And then in other cases you've got the whole social distancing aspect right. I get a divorce. My divorce gets finalized right after the stay at home orders go out and I'm like in any other instance I would have been like, okay, yeah, let's get back on that horse, like let's go meet people, but you can't, you can't leave your house, you can't go meet anybody and I'm like I guess I'll be alone for a bit, that's fine.
Speaker 2:And then you've got this like need for self introspection, that sort of starts creeping in where I'm kind of like, ok, what if I did listen to myself? What if I did entertain, like doing a little soul searching? So I turned to tarot and I give myself granddaddy of all readings on New Year's Eve of 2019. I'm like, ooh, yeah, okay, I'm going to get a divorce. Tell me how my how's my year going to go? And, um, I pulled the hermit card and I was like what does that signify? It signifies being alone. It does, okay, being a light in the world. Um, really going within to find that wisdom so that you can emerge from from the cave. Um, having more knowledge. Yeah, the hermit is also in traditional tarot, is also carrying he. She is also carrying a lantern, which signifies inner wisdom.
Speaker 1:And like not a bad thing, then not a negative.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be alone. And then the pandemic hits and I'm like, oh yeah, that hits different, like this whole spread right. I was like what's my love? Life like what's my love life.
Speaker 1:Can I tell you? Can I tell you this? Um, and for anyone who's listening, I want to mention this because I think people hear tarot and think like, oh, it's nonsense, or they think they have. There's a lot of quick judgments for it. Sure, the only reason why I want to, I want to back you up here, is because I had one done, a long session done. Let me think here in 2009-ish.
Speaker 2:A while ago. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And the person predicted down to a T, the person I was going to marry, nice, down to a T, flat out, told me like this is what he's going to do for a living. This is what he will look like, this is how many kids he's actually already going to have when he meets you. And she literally just and she told me about baby mama drama. She told me everything, she predicted everything and she was like if you meet this person and you are able to make this work, you guys are really going to be happy together. And I was. I remember being like all right, like whatever, I'll go with the flow. And then, about a year later, I met my husband and I remember coming home and being like, oh my God coming home and being like oh my God.
Speaker 2:So I got this email um earlier this year from somebody who I knew, um, like 20 years ago, someone I knew very well like 20 years ago that I haven't that I haven't spoken with in in like two decades, um, and they reached out and they were like and they reached out and they were like I read your book, I had no idea what you had gone through. I thought at the time when we kind of parted ways that like I heard about you know who you met and who you ended up with and I thought, like her life is going to be so great, she's living the dream, she's doing the stuff, and I had no idea. And then also, like I've never put much stock into any of like the woo-woo stuff right, like the terror or anything but like reading the book really changed my mind. Seeing how you use that for self-introspection and to kind of help yourself move through situations like has really made me think about maybe, like incorporating some of those elements into my life and I was like, yeah, it was that for you.
Speaker 1:You know, I think that there's a um, there's a lot of elements to like this woo stuff and by woo stuff, everybody, we mean meditation, we mean tarot reading, anything that's like, oh, you're turning inward to find a real source of truth. It has gotten this bad branding, it has a bad rap at this point and people judge it and they're like, oh my god, you're being ridiculous, that's not based. In fact, I have people judge me like quick, judge me all the time and I'm like listen, don't knock it, because not only did I meet my husband, but through the techniques and everything, my whole life has changed. Through doing these practices, everything in my life has changed. This podcast came into existence because of all this.
Speaker 2:This book is like a book for skeptics, just right. Yeah, like because you can see in real time, like how things play out and there's a lot of almost like easter eggs, like things pop up and then a while later they get resolved and like in such a like magical way that, well, I was living my life. I was like like this is such a cool story, like I could be detached from it enough to be like this is just such a cool story. I can't believe that this is like happening to me. I'm going to need to write this down. I'm going to need to put this out there, because this is just like I couldn't have orchestrated it any better. In some case, like I had a hand in things, but in other cases, like stuff just so magically came together that I had no part in that. I was like that is just epic.
Speaker 1:And I have to say too, it's almost timely because I jotted a note to myself it's almost timely that the pandemic happened right after you got divorced, because it is for a lot of people. It is very scary to be alone with your thoughts, and I think people are using like actually I'm going to say using I think people are abusing social media because they're so scared of just being with themselves. In a lot of senses, I think people will obviously abuse alcohol, other substances, like they will look for any way to avoid just being alone with your thoughts, because that can be scary for people, especially if you haven't ever done that and then you know you really have to. You have to kind of look down that tunnel and people are very intimidated and scared to do it. And taking that veil back and really facing things head on is the only way that you're really going to reach your best life and to really excel in what you are meant to be doing.
Speaker 2:Absolutely so. So the full title of the book is Watch Me Part Dare, Part Demand. But the sort of tagline that I've given it is your new life will cost you your old one. And so there's this whole part in the book where I'm reading this morning devotional, and the one that I read that day is that life is sometimes mimics a trapeze artist, and that in order to get to the next rung, you actually have to let go of the rung that you're on.
Speaker 2:So for a moment you are suspended in air, you are in flight, there is nothing that is like no safety right in that moment, but you have your trust in your faith that you're going in the right direction, that the rung that you're meant to be catching right. We don't just let go with nothing, right? Most of us don't just let go with nothing in front of us, right? We wait until the right possible moment, and then it's really freaking scary, but we let go in support of moving to that next rung. And so I thought that that was just a beautiful metaphor that day, because I would say a big theme of the book is how do you actually let go? I kept saying that if I knew how to actually do the work, I would already be doing it. It's that I don't understand how, and so that's one of the big things that I highlight on my website is I'm here to provide the how-to for your personal transformation. Let's figure out where you want to go. That's the biggest thing.
Speaker 2:I spent a lot of time in the book and in my own life trying to figure out what is it exactly that I want, because I didn't know. I right, like H9. I have no idea where your battleship is. And then eventually they're like, oh yeah, that's a hit. And you're like, oh okay, I got close. I really like that thing.
Speaker 2:I got close, you know, took reflection. I had to really understand what was meaningful to me, what I wanted out of my life. Then I could start to kind of dial in direction Okay, this is where I want to move. And then the iterative process wasn't quite so difficult because you really had like, okay, I'm moving in this direction. You had an idea of where you were going and I think, having that support system around you or, in particular, hiring someone to work with you, or hiring a guide, or having one-on-one coaching sessions or whatever.
Speaker 2:And I do a lot of those things. I use a lot of different modalities. Right, I have some traditional therapists, I have an acupuncturist, I end up seeing a chiropractor, I end up seeing a physical therapist. I have a lot of things going on in my life and I try a lot of different modalities some traditional, western ones and some more Eastern ones to kind of work out what it is that's going to actually help me become the person that I want to be. That's going to actually help me become the person that I want to be, and if I hadn't done anything, I would still be exactly where I was. So how?
Speaker 1:did you get to the point of deciding that Because I did. I reviewed your website, I bought your book but I didn't get a chance to read it yet, because I'm like so freaking excited to read it. But I'm like I feel and it's funny because, like I have a lot of authors obviously coming on the podcast and I buy everybody's books and I'm like send me a signed copy and I'm like sending books out for people to like I'm like getting really ridiculous, but I love, I love having all of you on. One of the things I wanted to ask you is I know you were journaling for a while and it said like, oh, you would write stuff down on Post-it notes. You just kind of wrote out everything. How did you get from? I'm just jotting things down to I think I'm going to write a book.
Speaker 2:Well, first of all, I was terrified. So one of the things people would see if they were to go in and read the book is they would see that I forged this friendship with a person who actually lived really close to the house that I was getting ready to sell.
Speaker 2:So my ex-husband moves out of the house and I'm getting ready to sell it. And this person lived nearby and so she was in a similar situation, so we would spend a lot of time together. She was in a similar situation, so we would spend a lot of time together. And she was like, oh, I journaled yesterday and like got all of my feelings out. And this came up and I'm like what? And she's like you're not journaling. And I was like, no, I was really afraid if I turn that faucet on what's going to come out? Like am I prepared to see and deal with the reality of what comes out? And she was like you've got to be journaling, you've got to be getting this stuff down, and so I think it was by late 2019, I was like really having some of these significant sort of spiritual experiences and I was like yep. And I was like, yep, if I it's, no one's gonna believe me when I say these things happen if I don't get it down in real time.
Speaker 2:So I think I told, like my sister that year for Christmas. I was like I just, I want a journal, that's what I want. So she got me a journal for Christmas and I was like, oh, this is really pretty. I shouldn't I shouldn't, like you know violate this by actually writing it. I mean, it's just so pretty. And then I was like, no, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. And at some point and I started working with someone that might have been later in 2020. And she was like, if you're going to be a writer, just commit to writing every day. And I was like what's my journal entry going to look like? Dear Diaries? I had killed you. In the end. What it was was I set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes and I was like if you need a prompt, go, look up a prompt on the internet.
Speaker 2:There's no shortage of resources on the internet to help you get going. If you want to learn how to read Tarot, if you want to learn how to read Oracle, if you want to know about crystals, if you want to know about acupressure, if you want to start journaling, the internet has everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's tutorials for pretty much everything. I just started journaling again. So I have always been a writer. I think I told you on my intro call with you like I have this, like, um, I I've always written and when I was in grammar school and all the way into high school, um, I was a creative writer. Like I loved it. I would turn out things and stories short stories predominantly and I just loved it. I loved doing it.
Speaker 1:And it stopped. Honestly, it's actually a little bit sad. It kind of it stopped and slowed down right after my parents separated and it kind of just all of that when you needed that the most, you know, and that's why I'm like it's a little bit funny that that's when it stopped, cause I that would have been probably the best therapy I could have had, but it stopped right around there when my mind pivoted from like I love this so much, this is like my outlet to I need to take care of my mom and I need to. I need to really focus on, like, what am I going to do in college? Like I have to get a good job. I got to stop this nonsense, basically. So I stopped writing for years.
Speaker 1:No, it didn't have value Exactly, and I haven't written personally for myself in years and I just I'm not even kidding for myself in years and I just I'm not even kidding. Like a week ago I just started journaling again because I I've been noticing, like since we're both in this blessed age of 40, um, I've been noticing my, my transition over to perimenopause and I was like I was like, oh, fun, by the way. I was like this is exciting. I'm going to have to chart this because now for all the listeners who are nearing in their late 30s or even in your early 40s, if you're in your early 40s you already know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:But I started noticing over the past year like my mood's going kind of out of control. Just stuff started happening that I was like all right, I have to be better about this. So the journal is actually supposed to be like self-care for myself. So it's like five minutes in the morning and that and I want to plug that because the listeners know how busy I am. I'm like a frigging lunatic all the time. So if I have, if I can find five minutes to jot down a page and I'm talking like a small, not even eight and a half by 11, a very small. I have a small little book. I have a small little book and the other day I only had enough time to write some affirmations down. That's all I had, that's okay, and that's all I wrote. I was like, all I have today is affirmations. I can't, you know whatever, and I just wrote down my affirmations for the day and closed the book and then went on with my morning. That's all you really need to do if you want to start writing.
Speaker 2:It is, and so I'm going to actually to provide some practical context for the people who are listening. Here's my low energy ritual for that and for the times when I just don't have energy for me. First of all, I carry my journal with me every day in my purse because I can't commit to writing in the morning or writing in the evening. I will write whatever, as long as I do it for the day.
Speaker 1:I like that actually.
Speaker 2:I like that. I typically take a deck of Oracle cards with me as well, Like if I'm headed into my office or whatever. So my daily page looks like the date at the top I have. Whatever my numeral numeral to call number is for the day numerology, because that helps I plan out by that day. It's just like a little quirky thing that.
Speaker 2:I'm doing, and then I pull a tarot spread. So I pull three cards. The first card is what I should remember for the day. The second card is what I should expect for the day, and then the card below that is what I should remember for the day. The second card is what I should expect for the day, and then the card below that is what I call the shadow card. It's like this is the theme of both of these cards.
Speaker 2:So I write down what each of those three things is and then I spend two or three minutes kind of ruminating on okay, what do I think this is directly related to? Or do I think that this is coming up because of some reason, or is this just something that maybe is coming through in the day and I just don't know about it? And then usually that's enough to like get me going. Like sometimes I'll like really be revved up and like I'll keep going and like maybe I can get a couple of pages, or like I'll take walks on my break if I'm at the office, yeah, and that's kind of like my time to like kind of put things together and I'll come back and like jot down like whatever revelations have dropped in my head, so I'll jot that down as well.
Speaker 2:But if you really truly just can't, the voice memo app on your phone is delightful, and I am a big fan of that. On your phone is delightful, and I am a big fan of that. So if you have like your AirPods, if you go for a walk, if you're like walking, you're. You're in New York. New York, I think.
Speaker 1:So maybe your walk is like to the subway or whatever.
Speaker 2:I'm in Jersey. I'm in Jersey by the beach. I only know about living from the, from movies and from TV. So I sorry, I'm uh, the the pacific border in me has no idea what. Like true, that was really funny. I really I don't. Um, I I live in like the most suburban kind of area you could possibly imagine, so I take walks a lot. There's no one around me, but I just imagine like people who are like walking to the subway because no one cares.
Speaker 2:Or if you're talking to yourself, yeah, you just like chat into your voice memo, right, it doesn't matter, yeah, you can save it with the dates and it automatically saves the time, and then, if I feel like it, I can transcribe that later into my written journal. So I've done that before. But sometimes if you're a verbal processor, that really helps you get through things. You can make connections, because stuff for me just kind of comes out of my mouth sometimes and it's the same thing between your brain and your hand connection if you're physically writing something. Sometimes you just write stuff and you had no idea that that was even going to flow through. So I always like to give people practical tips of things that are like low energy because, you know, no one has done it.
Speaker 1:That was so. That's. That's actually a really great point. And something else I want to pull for for, like derive from what you just said, is you have to tailor it for, however, however, you are able to really do it. So, exactly like I like writing, like I and I like to go old school with an actual pen, like that's just my, I just like it. But you don't have to go that route. Like my kids growing up are probably not gonna have journals, are probably gonna do exactly what you just said and just like voice noted in, like if you do better with you know speaking and you feel like that's how you can best approach things, like go for it. But the whole point is to kind of to get it out there, to get it, your message out into something else. I've always, when I was very young and when I was writing quite a bit, I used to say that like once it's on paper, that's it. It's out of you and it's on paper now and you don't have to worry about it anymore.
Speaker 2:It's on paper and you're releasing it Sometimes too when it's on paper and you read it back, your perspective of it can shift enough that the fear comes down right, like a lot of times we hold things inside of us because we're afraid to actually push it out into the world. But writing something down on paper is just safe and I'm using air quotes like just safe enough and then once you read it back to yourself and this has happened to me, right, like no one is immune to life, and so these things have happened to me. Please don't think that I'm some like person above whatever. Like all of this stuff is stuff that I have experienced and I have learned, quote unquote, the hard way.
Speaker 2:When you read something back, especially something you've been holding in that you've been afraid of, sometimes that's just enough to loosen its grip on you and you can be like, oh my gosh, this is, I was afraid of that, that's not going to happen. That's I've totally got worst case scenario, cognitive bias going on here. How can I start to challenge? And that's like sometimes just exactly the step you need to take to kind of work your way out of being huddled by that fear, and so that has definitely happened to me, and so I just want to share that for anyone who's listening, who's kind of like is this really worth doing? Yeah, it is worth doing. That's why we're here chatting about different ways that you could potentially make it work for you, especially when you're worried about something.
Speaker 1:It's incredibly helpful and I'll use myself as an example again, because I shared already my fear, which happens consistently, by the way. It's like a weekly battle of like it's not like it goes away, it's still there. But I just mentally, I know that that's really just like my brain scared to rewire itself. Because that and I had read that and researched that quite a bit we're like, we get that feeling and sensation of fear, but the reality of it is it's not actually fear, it's just your brain has to rewire for a new situation or a new path and in order to for it to do that, it feels a little bit uncomfortable and then worth seeing it as like, oh, it's, it's fear, it's anxiety or what have you. But if you could just get past that little hurdle, then you're okay.
Speaker 1:So what I literally will do, what I do, is I will throw myself into it. I'm just like I am really freaked out. So anyway, julie, do you want to do a live? Like that's how like I'm like. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that's like, I'm really freaked out about this. By the way, let me invite someone else to do it.
Speaker 2:I do want to do a live with you because I think that's super exciting, but I actually have a theory for this particular thing that we're talking about. So, in physics, if you're trying to move something really heavy, if you're trying to move a refrigerator across the floor, have you ever tried to move something really heavy?
Speaker 2:and you just go up to it and you're trying to push it and it won't move, it won't budge. Well, the mathematical expression for when that tipping point would shift going from static to going to dynamic, going from not moving to going to moving you actually have to overcome what's called the coefficient of friction, which is the force that is keeping that from moving. And so a lot of times right Chemical engineering, I've got the science nerd, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry I think of it to myself in terms of what is the coefficient of friction here? What little thing do I need to overcome so that I can start to get that momentum? Because once you start moving the refrigerator, it actually mathematically does not take as much force as it does to start it moving.
Speaker 2:And that's exactly what you're describing here Reforming the neural pathways in your mind. Just like moving a refrigerator takes a little more effort to get it going, but then, once you get it going, it does not take as much effort to sustain that new thing. Just want to put that out there for people that mathematically like that.
Speaker 1:I like it because you went to a factual like this is a legitimate, actual theory here. People, this is not woo woo, like I might've gone the route of woo woo, but, like Julie's literally saying, like this is like pen to paper, real reality speaking, like yeah, once it gets going, like that's it. And I always think to myself like if I, you know, I mean, my life would be totally different if I didn't face the fear and lean into it. And I can't even imagine. I will know, I can imagine, I know my mom has the tendency to scale back from the fear and that might actually be why I'm the exact opposite, because I'm like, oh no, like I need to make sure that I'm doing things differently. But I've observed her over time where she will shrink back from certain things. Now there's sometimes where I will say, and I've said to her in defense of self-preservation, I think that there are some moments where it's okay to shrink and be like you know what? I need to walk away from this. And I've said that and I'm like, I'm an advocate of that. I tell my kids that I'm like.
Speaker 1:I had a situation with my children where they were, they were in an afterschool program and they didn't like one of the kids that was there was bothering them. And there was like three days in a row they came home and they were upset and bothered and I was like All right, and I had spoken to the directors and I did. The mom thing was like, hey, this is happening, can you help out? But by the third day I was like, all right, my children have come to me and express this. I'm going to go ahead and take action here and pull them out and say you know what? Then you don't have to go anymore.
Speaker 1:And the person that I spoke to this administrator that I spoke to at the school was like, well, you don't really want to teach your kids to be quitters, do you? And I was like, well, I said, sure, no, I don't want my kids to be quitters, but I want them to know that if they come to me and tell me I'm uncomfortable in this space, that I'm telling them it's okay to walk away, you don't have to face it. There's the. You know, when I was growing up, there was this whole like face your bully and kind of thing. That's not necessarily right though. Like, in my opinion, to throw yourself into a situation that's not exactly right, you know.
Speaker 2:People are going to have different experiences in their lifetimes and in some cases, a confrontation can be the perfectly reasonable situation, and in other instances, quote unquote, so I'm going to use quitting in quotes, right? Yeah? So I've been rewatching Ted Lasso because that's like one of my comfort shows, and he has a really uncomfortable relationship with quitting, and it all stems from the fact that he considers that his dad, who took his own life, who took his own life quit on him and quit on himself, and so he has vowed to never quit on anything. And then, of course, things come up in life where you need to walk away or let go, and if you have a black and white mindset, to you that may look like quitting and it is not okay to be a quitter. And so these are some cognitive biases that we're challenging here, some black and white thinking. It can only be this or the other, and it's not true. So in some cases, getting a divorce, leaving a relationship, that's not healthy for you.
Speaker 2:While some people would say, how could you quit on your marriage, for me the answer was this relationship wasn't serving me or serving my children, and if I'm going to be the best parent that I can be, which is what I wanted for my kids. I want to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. This to me, where I'm at now, is not a healthy relationship. This is not what I want to model for my children. It makes perfect sense for me to walk away and to let this go and to quote, unquote, quit and start again. But I'm not starting from the very beginning, I'm not starting over with zero experience. I'm starting again. So in that case this is what I call it I have failed forward, I have done something and it did not go. It did not produce the outcome that I was looking for, and so now, armed with that knowledge, I can start again in an aligned direction towards what I want, because I have all of this information that I have collected to let me know what it is that I want to do.
Speaker 2:So, in the case of your kids, probably you're not going back to that community center again because you reported an issue and the way that they dealt with that issue was not satisfactory to you or your family values or what you want to teach your kids. So it doesn't mean that we're not going to continue to do after school programs. It means we're after school programs in places that we value the way that they're teaching our kids. So in that case, again, you have failed forward.
Speaker 2:You have failed with intent to learn to go and do something else, and what you're doing is you're telling your kids that it's okay to reevaluate and to move forward differently, which I think is a far more helpful message than failure is unacceptable and you have to continue living the life exactly the way that you have been this whole time, because you can never do anything differently and you can never take the knowledge that you've learned to figure out a new and better way. There are so many things that were taught to me that I've embodied up until the beginning of this book, where I start really challenging why am I doing this this way?
Speaker 1:Why am I A lot of learned behavior, a lot of learned behavior and really failure is a central theme within that.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I failed. Who will want me now? I might as well just get a bunch of cats and call it a day. I actually have those thoughts, and there's nothing wrong with getting a bunch of cats and calling it a day. I want to be very clear about that Definitely not of cats and calling it a day.
Speaker 2:I want to be very clear about that. I probably could have had a great life, but it wasn't what I wanted. What I actually wanted was to embody a healthy relationship so that I could show my kids this is what a healthy relationship is, so that when they get to their point where they're having relationships, that they have seen the dynamics and they have seen the ways that conflict is resolved and they have seen the ways that people are respected and people are valued and people are cherished and adored and loved and loved, and that they can take that into their life and their relationships and they can use that as experience as they move through life. I assume that they also will fail. Hopefully we'll move forward.
Speaker 2:Failure is not the dirty word that people want you to think. It is because failure comes with shame. Shame carries the lowest vibrational energy that anything can carry. So the more we can detach certain things from shame, the easier it is to move through our life and to live life, because we are living at an elevated frequency when we can come at it from a place of curiosity, we can come at it from a place of compassion, we can come at it from a place of empathy, all of those vibrational. You can actually look at it, you can Google it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can research all this. Everything she's saying is like legit. But I'm nodding. You all can't see it, but I'm nodding along with her.
Speaker 2:So obviously we've got love and joy as like the highest vibrational states that someone can be in, and even so, I want to say even anger is a higher vibration than shame. So one thing that I've learned throughout all of this was what's called the anger umbrella, and that anger can actually mask a lot of other feelings sadness, grief, despair, shame all of those things can kind of get masked by anger, and so a lot of times we think that anger is the lowest that we could possibly be, and that's not true, and so if you are curious about this, I invite you to Google vibrational states so that you can look and see what those emotions are on the vibrational state, so that you can look and see what those emotions are on the vibrational frequency.
Speaker 2:But shame is actually the lowest, and so that's why that person was trying to shame you into staying in a situation that didn't feel good to you, and I certainly am no stranger to that. I had a lot of people wanting to shame me into staying right where I was as I was moving through all the things that I was moving through, and I didn't let that affect me, and I'm really glad that I didn't let that affect me.
Speaker 2:And so that's one takeaway today is your relationship to shame and failure and all the things. Then I consider this a success.
Speaker 1:I have two things. So I've said many times over that my husband and I basically live by this, and I started doing this when he and I got together. Obviously, there's always opinions. When there's a life change, right, everyone has an opinion, and when you're looking to change your life, you will see that your circle of people around you will have and even the people closest to you will have the strongest opinions when you try to make a shift, to do something differently, because they are used to you as you are, and if you are trying to make something change and that actually forces them into an uncomfortable spot because they're feeling a shift and to them, that shift is wrong, so you thus are wrong, which is not accurate at all.
Speaker 1:And the way that I managed my way through that when I went through that was I would literally take stock and I would sit quietly by myself in the car and I would just think to myself like all right, are you happy with this, this and this? Yes, I am Okay. Does this make you feel good? Are you at peace with this? And I would literally just run through a couple things in my head and be like okay, then I'm okay. Forget what everyone else's opinions are this is it.
Speaker 1:And you have to operate in that fashion because at the end of the day, you are laying your own head down on your pillow and so in that moment, you have to be okay with every decision you've made. Because if you're not okay with your decision, you have to take that by yourself to bed with you, and no one else is there bothering you and cheering you on or pushing you to do a different decision, or what have you so you on or pushing you to do a different decision or what have you? So you have to be the most comfortable with it and the happiest with every decision you make. So, regardless of who the person is it could be your mother, it could be your sister, it could be your husband, it could be your children People will have an opinion and you have to be able to say to them, like you know what, this is a path I'm going to take. This is I feel very strongly about this. I appreciate your opinion, but that's kind of it.
Speaker 2:Let's drop some really important practical knowledge here. So you're going to see that come up. I see it twice in two really specific scenarios weddings and babies. People have opinions about weddings and babies and if it's you, if it's your wedding or your baby, you're like this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and everyone is piling their personal stuff on you. So, as someone who has had three babies and two weddings, let me tell you some practical things that you can use to get out of that right. Okay, number one no one needs to know, but you, okay. So what I mean by that is protect your peace, but also you are allowed to keep things private. So if you plan your wedding, don't tell anybody when things went the way that you didn't think they were going to go, because to them that happened exactly how you thought that it was going to happen. That happened exactly the way that you planned it. If you tell people that that wasn't what you wanted, then they will know and that will open up the door for them to tell you all the things. Protect your peace and embrace your privacy. But if that's not doing it, that's not cutting it right. You've got people coming in.
Speaker 2:This is the second best piece of advice I can offer you, and that is. Thank you for sharing X, y, z. This is my decision to make and I'm still working on it, and that's it, and that's it. You don't have to say anything else. You just walk away, you just let it go. I like that. Thank you for that. Yeah, thank you for that. I've been in HR for a long time. This is what people don't understand. When you fire someone, the ideal situation to let someone go. Five minutes, five minutes, yes.
Speaker 1:Interesting.
Speaker 2:Hi, thank you for coming. This is the situation. We're going to help you get your things. Here are your resources. Goodbye, that's it. That's it. Are allowed to only have interactions be short, especially if people are invading your piece or invading your space or providing you with opinions that were unsolicited. Just remember, these conversations can be short, I can remove them myself.
Speaker 1:And that's a big thing that I think, that I think women struggle specifically with, you know, putting, putting drawing that like border, drawing the boundary, and saying and so I and I've said to my mom my mom has a really hard time with this and so, like I've talked with her a lot about like well, you don't have to be in your face to somebody, like you don't have to be aggressive with somebody, as you, as you just like laid it out, like you know, thank you, thank you for that. I'm going to think. I'm going to think that over.
Speaker 1:You don't have to commit to something right there. And then, and if they're pushing for it, like, you can literally say like, I'm okay now, like, or there's other ways to go.
Speaker 2:I need more time to consider all of my options. Yeah, I'm going to take more time to consider all of my options. Yeah, walk away. And I've used that one before, especially if you're the kind of person who gets flustered and then you sort of feel bullied into agreeing or just, and it takes a little bit of it's remember that neural pathway of rewriting. It takes a little bit to get into the habit of it, but I'm I'm going to take more time to think this through.
Speaker 1:If.
Speaker 2:I need something. I'll circle back to you.
Speaker 1:It does take time and, honestly, it takes a lot of practice and you could fall out of practice, you know. That was the other thing I wanted to mention too, this journey that Julie's talking about and that I'm talking about here. We're not trying to get to a finish line, we're trying to live life. Life is not a race to be won and you're racing to the finish line and you're going to win this grand prize. This is the prize Like this. Is it this that's happening right here? This life that you're living, this is the prize. Like this, you have to live it, so you can't constantly be trying to race towards something else.
Speaker 1:And the same goes with going through, like a coaching session with Julie or partnering with Julie on working through, like living your best life. Like, how am I going to achieve these goals? How am I going to set boundaries? Like what do I do? Where do I even start? There is there isn't necessarily a oh, I graduated, I'm done. Like I talk to people all the time. I talk to coaches all the time. I mean you guys have heard all the podcast episodes. I have coaches on here all the time, I have authors all the time and I reach back out to a lot of people and I'm like, hey, I'm having a tough week like this, that and the next thing, and then I'll like be able to reconnect with them. And the truth of the matter is like this is the journey, and sometimes there's a tough week and sometimes you're going to falter, and sometimes you're not going to be okay, but that's okay, this is the journey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the best way to say that is your life is a culmination of experiences, and what it comes down to is what's the quality of your experience? Is the quality of your experience to your liking? And when you look at it that way, then it's kind of like ooh, and if it's not, what would be a better quality? Like what would be what you would want to experience?
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think sometimes it's hard for people. It was hard for me, so I'm speaking from experience. It's hard for people to turn this around right. We only know what we don't like, we only know the terrible that we're in right now. It can be hard to turn that around and say, okay, what would be better? What do I want to experience instead, and put it into a positive light and move towards that. And so in some instances, working with other people can help you shift that perspective so that you can actually make some strides moving forward. And certainly as an engineer, people reverse engineer all the time. Knowing what you don't want can help you figure out what you do want, or knowing what you do want can help you figure out what you don't want. But sometimes it can be very difficult if you're living it, if you're deep in the experience, to figure out how to articulate what it is that you want to move forward. So in that case, working with someone else can be very helpful.
Speaker 1:No, and honestly, I'm a huge advocate for it. Like I can't tell you how many like revelations I've had, and I think I was just talking about what. Like I just had this revelation yesterday and it was like a 30 minute conversation. I was like, oh my God, so it's. I do highly encourage you for the listeners, if you're listening to this and you have this inkling that you know there's something more for you and you're just not quite sure how to get there, I'm going to link all of Julie's information into the podcast description Really strong recommend to reach out and, you know, just get some some help and support. Well, and it's not even like, oh it's. You know, in the traditional I know people shy away from like therapy, quote unquote but like, right, somebody who's going through it, gone through it like and just helping to guide and help you along your way. So it's truly a huge resource that people really should just be leaning into at this point, because, if they're, we might as well take advantage.
Speaker 2:And I think there are more and more people every day who are leaning into this. There's a time and place for traditional therapy and there's a time and place for coping, and people are more and more open to figuring out what that looks like for their own personal life and what's working for them. And I know I have used both methodologies as well, so I'm very open to. I am not a trained therapist, but I am definitely someone who comes with a wealth of experience and a lot of learning the hard way and can hold up a mirror for you to help you figure out how to get to where you want to go. Yeah, and I've had people reach out to me after reading my book and say things like you helped me realize I needed to leave this relationship. I had someone say you saved my life. I didn't realize the relationship I was in and that I needed to leave this relationship. I had someone say you saved my life.
Speaker 2:I didn't realize the relationship I was in and that I needed to leave. Yeah, so I encourage people to reach out to me because that helps me to know. You know that I'm making a difference in the world, and I think everybody wants to know that the space that they're occupying in this world is meaningful, and so sometimes we get to a point where we're like I don't feel like I'm living a meaningful life. I certainly had that feeling in my life before. And getting to this place where we do feel like what we're doing has meaning and we're making meaningful impact, that is the rainbow on the other side of the storm, and it's every bit as amazing as you'd think it is looking at the rainbow after the storm is over. It's great. I would invite you to come experience this for yourself as well.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm thrilled to have you on with me today, today and even more excited to read your book because it's there. You'll have questions, you'll be back. I'm excited. Oh, you're kidding, of course I will. I'm like so excited, julie, thank you for joining me today on the podcast. I really appreciate it and you sharing your experience and your information with the listeners.
Speaker 2:Once again, thank you for having me. I this was as every bit of delightful conversation, as I anticipated it to be, so that's always a fun way to spend part of my day. I love getting to talk.
Speaker 1:Good, I'm so happy to hear that. Well, listeners, thank you for hanging out with us today and listening in, and we will catch you on the next one. Take care.
