Coming Home: Why Leaving Showed Me What I Already Had

Summer brings changes to the podcast schedule with mini-episodes replacing the weekly Sunday format, allowing for more flexible content delivery throughout the week.

• First-ever family cruise vacation with husband, three children, stepchildren and their families 
• Reality of family vacation differed dramatically from expectations of being "fun mom" without responsibilities
• Breaking routine proved challenging—no morning meditation, limited personal time, confined spaces, restricted internet access
• Emotional breakdown on day two after children complained despite all the preparation work
• First excursion disappointments including misleading descriptions and limited food options
• Cocoa Beach Club excursion marked a turning point in enjoyment 
• Unexpected realization that coming home was more meaningful than the vacation itself
• Profound gratitude for home, family, stable job, and the life built with her husband
• Meditation recommended as a path to recognizing and appreciating your current life

I encourage everyone to start meditating—it's truly life-changing. If you're new to meditation, check out Kathy Heller's guided meditations at kathyheller.com, where I started my journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Summer Series Announcement
• 1:51 First Family Cruise Experience
• 5:23 Reality vs Expectations
• 8:00 Excursions: Disappointments and Highlights
• 11:22 Unexpected Gratitude After Coming Home
• 15:11 Closing Thoughts and Meditation Advice

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello everybody. This is Steel Rose's podcast. This podcast was created for women, by women, to elevate women's voices. I had a bit of a break, as you all know, in between my episodes. Normally new episodes drop every single Sunday, but now there's going to be a bit of a shift, so I want to give you an update there first. There first. We are now in our summer series. So in the summer series, instead of one long episode every Sunday, you'll get like two or three short mini-sodes from me throughout the week and probably on the weekends too. It's really going to be dependent on, like, when I'm able to do it. You know my flow is always do it messy, do what's right for you. So that's going to be a little bit of a change in schedule. However, I think it's going to be good. I'm honestly looking forward to it. So that's number one. Number two there was a bet in my episodes airing.

Speaker 1: 0:50

So I was away on vacation and I was going to try and record an episode before I left so that I could have something airing while I was gone, and I it just didn't work out that way and you know when you're preparing. So this is the first time I was preparing for a full family vacation with my husband and my kids. We haven't gone on a vacation together ever. As you all know, I have three kids very close in age. They were born in 2016 and then the twins in 2017. And it's been nothing but mayhem and madness, which now we're so used to it. It feels odd when there isn't mayhem and madness, but in any case, you know, preparing to go away for a trip of the caliber that we did took a lot of doing and a lot of preparation on my part, so I had to give myself some grace, and there were some things that I wasn't able to get to before we left. Those things was the podcast, so now I just want to give everyone an update there Now. So now, I just wanted to give everyone an update there.

Speaker 1: 1:50

Now, the big thing that I do want to talk about here is. The big thing that I want to talk about here is what I did for vacation. We decided we meaning myself, my stepkids, my whole family we all decided that we were going to do a cruise this year. We've never all gone away together before, and so this was really exciting year. We've never all gone away together before, and so this was really exciting. And then part of it on the logic behind going away was for my husband's 50th birthday. So it was like a twofold kind of thing. Again, we're all super excited about it. Now, complications we all have young kids. My stepdaughter has two young boys. We have ours, we have the twins who for eight, and the son from his nine.

Speaker 1: 2:22

So I was expecting some challenges, but there was some rosy part of me which is never the case, by the way, because you know I'm not, I'm more of a realist but there was a rosy part of me that really thought that somehow, miraculously, while away, no one would complain. I'll give you a minute to laugh at me. I've sincerely thought we're going to be on this amazing vacation. No one's going to complain, everyone's going to be so excited, in such a good mood that I'm going to be able to just be fun, mom. The entire time. And I kept saying that I can't wait to be fun, mommy, I can't wait to not have to be responsible, I can't wait.

Speaker 1: 3:06

And then we got on the cruise and it turns out that, yes, we were in a different location. However, my responsibilities were still intact. My husband and my kids all kept looking to me to say is next, what do we do? Where do we go for these things? What's for food? Where is the food? And it got so stressful the first and second day because I didn't know either and I was also learning where was everything and what we were supposed to be doing. A few moments of tension for lack of better word during the trip. That, you know, kind of is what it was, what it was like. You know, there was nothing I can do about it.

Speaker 1: 3:44

The part that really threw me off more was I guess I was expecting the kids to just be happy the whole time. And then the reality of it really was and you know I'm going to keep it real with you, I'm not going to give you the rosy glow pictures the reality of it was was that we were way out of their routine and their comfort level. We're very regimented here at our house because you know we have kids and we need to make sure that they stay on track. We need to make sure that we do things in a pretty particular schedule. So now we're in a different place. I wasn't getting my morning meditation and I normally have an hour to myself in the morning for coffee and, you know, just waking up and getting myself together, that wasn't happening at all. My husband usually gets to step out to go to the gym. You know, like there were certain things that just weren't.

Speaker 1: 4:30

One of the bigger things, too that we also didn't have access to was internet. So we did have an internet package, but we only had one. So we were all kind of kicking it around between us. But again, before we left I was like why do we need internet? I'm not going to waste money on a package for that. We're on vacation. I don't want anyone on a device that meant I had to engage the whole time, which I also am not used to, and I'm going to be the first one to raise my hand here.

Speaker 1: 4:55

I know what some people will say and the judgment is very real for moms like myself that do use technology with their kids. But I do. I need a minute, I need to clean, I need to cook. I'm not going to be like a monkey dancing for my children. And before any of the naysayers kind of come in here with a judgment, I just want to point out that like, yes, they can play on their own, and they do. They have games, they have all kinds of things. They play, pretend, my kids do all kinds of stuff, but, yes, when they're settling down and resting and what have you, they will use their device to relax and just hang out.

Speaker 1: 5:33

We didn't have that on this trip. We also, because it was a cruise, which I don't think I mentioned, but because it was a cruise, the rooms were really small so you really couldn't hang out in the room. You had to leave the room, which I was expecting. But again, I wasn't expecting the fallout. So I was a little surprised and it was, and it was honestly kind of devastating, because maybe devastating is too strong of a word, but it felt devastating in the moment because I had worked so hard for this moment to pull the details together, to make sure I had everything set up, to make sure everyone's bags were were packed, to make sure that, you know, we got there on time, to make sure I understood and knew all the details as much as I could. So then to have everyone turn around and just be totally out of their heads the first two days because nobody knew what to do, what to eat, where to go, was really I, it was.

Speaker 1: 6:21

It was hard for me, in the effort of transparency which I'd like to give you all the time. I broke down on day two and started crying and I said to my kids my husband was at the gym because you know we had started to work out a schedule where he would get to have some time to himself in the morning to go work out with the other guys that were in our group. Um, and I just kind of snapped, and not like screaming snapped, I just started crying. I went into the bathroom and just let it loose because the buildup to that moment was so stressful. And then to have my kids complaining about the food because it clearly wasn't pizza, bagels and chicken nuggets was just so deflating and so hard. Even thinking about it now. I was really struggling. So I just started crying and I let them see it and they were like what's wrong? What happened? And I told them I'm like look, exactly what I just said to you guys. I'm like I worked really hard for us to be here To have you guys complaining and fighting and being rude is hurtful. And I explained it to them and they kind of got it. They're kids, you know, they are who they are. But thankfully, when we got to excursion number two, which was, I think, on the fourth day. It was such a beautiful moment that it made up for more than made up for the three days prior that were really really tough and really hard for us to adjust to. And then after that, everyone still was who they were and you know kids are going to fight with each other and they're going to complain. But we started to find our pace and find a rhythm and it started to settle things down.

Speaker 1: 7:55

Now, a couple of things I did want to say, just note. We went on a Royal Caribbean cruise down to the Bahamas Gorgeous, something I wanted to note. Complaint number one First excursion that we went out on. The description was, I mean, over the top, as you can imagine, and it was very much like oh, you know, you're going to be taken on a boat through like historic, you know, bahamas, and then you get to the Blue Lagoon Island and you'll have a bohemian lunch and you know it's supposed to be this like big, beautiful package. So we all go on this excursion and it was incredibly stressful getting off the boat, disembarking, and then we were waiting in line for about 45 minutes in the hot, blazing sun. I thought everyone was going to start passing out.

Speaker 1: 8:38

We finally get onto this boat. We're all in this little boat thing together, which was fine, we knew that was coming. We get off the boat, get to the lagoon and you know immediately I'm like this is great, this is it, this is gorgeous. But I looked at my watch and they said we need to be back to the boat by six. Well, it was three o'clock when we got there, so that meant, instead of getting five hours, which is what I thought we were going to have, we were only getting three. So I'm like all right, I'll swallow it, it's fine, we'll go. So we're there, we're having a good time.

Speaker 1: 9:10

And then I'm like, you know, we were there for about two hours or so and lunch was supposed to be included in the package. So we go to have the lunch and I think I've mentioned it a bunch of times, but I'm a vegetarian, so I'm like a bohemian inspired lunch, like there's going to be something vegetarian friendly there. First of all, it wasn't a bohemian lunch unless bohemians eat hamburgers and hot dogs, which I sincerely doubt but that was the menu. It was hamburgers and hot dogs and and oh excuse me and chicken, barbecue chicken, like this. This was the lunch. I'm like this is the most American lunch I've ever seen in my life. And then at the far, far side of the lunch because at first I didn't see it vegetarian patties. Like that's what it was, these cold vegetarian patties. So again, let's make the most of this. Everyone just ate what we could, because nobody wanted to have a migraine. Everyone was just like we're just going to eat this even though it's horrible. My sandwich was terrible, it was cold and just you know. And then we had to head back to the boat. So, all in all, first excursion was kind of a bleh experience. It was gorgeous, the water was beautiful, but, again, not ideal.

Speaker 1: 10:14

Excursion number two, as I mentioned, made up for everything else Because it was depart at your leisure. There was much more space. We purchased the Cocoa Beach Club package. If you ever go on a Royal Caribbean cruise to the Bahamas, the Cocoa Beach Club package. If you don't get any other excursion, do that one. It was the most amazing experience For the first day that we were in the Bahamas.

Speaker 1: 10:35

I do regret that we even went on an excursion at all, but they don't tell you that there's all these free things you can do as soon as you get off the boat, like walk through the shop area and you can get, you know, souvenirs and you can kind of just explore on your own. They don't really, they don't advertise that. So that was kind of a frustration point for me too, cause I'm like I felt like we could have had a better time. But you know, it is what it is. But, as I said, like after excursion number two, things kind of turned around and we made more use of the onboard kids club than we had the first couple of days and it just really made things a lot easier. So, all in all, overall incredibly grateful. I was even able to go on a vacation and at the end everyone was happy and like excited to go on another one, and I said, well, not for several years, right, because Lord knows how the economy is right now.

Speaker 1: 11:21

A surprising thing that I wanted to share with all of you after the vacation was the outcome. Now I sincerely thought that being on this vacation somehow was going to trigger more gratefulness on my part and I'm trying to articulate this as I'm rolling it in my head, so just bear with me if it doesn't make sense right away but I thought being on that vacation was going to be the moment that this big moment of gratefulness from me to the universe because I finally on a dream vacation with my entire family my husband, my kids, my stepkids, my grandkids, my stepdaughter's fiance like this was my dream for years. To be able to do something like this with my family, to be able to afford something like that is a massive privilege, and I don't think people realize how big of a privilege it is to be able to do this kind of stuff, and so I was incredibly grateful to be able to even provide something like this. So there's that, you know. But again, I thought somehow there would be this moment, this aha moment of oh, this is the moment, this is the gorgeous moment that you were waiting for. But that's not when it happened. Oddly enough, the trip itself made me more and more grateful than I ever have been in my entire life for my home and my family and what we have built here.

Speaker 1: 12:38

Going away was a dream. Coming home was a dream come to life. The night after we came home, my husband and I sat outside in our yard. We're, you know, overlooking our backyard, and we're in New Jersey. So you know, it's not that it's not. You know, it's not vast because we're on the Jersey shore. It's not like this vast rolling acres, but it's big enough and we're sitting there and we're sitting on one of the loungers and just quiet.

Speaker 1: 13:06

And I just looked over at him and it's one of those moments that's a subtle light, privilege and honor, in my opinion, to have this beautiful, stable, calm place of peace that I'm building with somebody who I dreamed of building this with, and I'm talking about my husband. I dreamed of building this life with him and now I'm living that dream and the waves of emotion that have been like I've been experiencing are just all consuming. I cannot even express to you how honored and grateful I am to be able to sit here and tell you this, to you, and to be living this and to be able to have this podcast, communicate and connect with all of you and I'm having like a. It's like the craziest, craziest epiphany and I almost had to leave it to know how deeply important this all was or all is to me and it's like I was grateful before. I mean, you all have heard me say it, but something about this has totally shifted my full perspective and I can't even begin to tell you how honored I am and honored I'm not even sure is the right word, but I am. It's a tremendous, tremendous thing. And even you know something else I've even been very grateful for, as I've been off of work for about a week and a half. I still have two days left of my vacation time.

Speaker 1: 14:30

The peace of mind I have, even for my job, is a dream come true. You know, sometimes in my industry when you leave for vacation, people throw you under the bus really hard while you're gone and it's like toxic. And you come back and you don't even know if you're gonna have a job. You know people are gonna be talking trash about you. Like it's just uncomfortable. And to know that I work with such an amazing group of people that all I'm thinking about is that I'm excited to see everybody on Wednesday. Like that I've missed everyone. I want to see what's going on and how can I help. Like it's it's out of this world. It really is.

Speaker 1: 15:07

So I put it to all of you Thank you so much for being here with me on this journey. I encourage everybody as you're unfolding things, as you're finding time in your day, start meditating, please. I'm begging you to start, because if you don't, it will continue on as you are. Kathy Heller has an amazing monthly meditation. If you don't know what the hell you're doing, go to kathyhellercom Check out her guided meditations. That's where I started and I'm telling you. It is life changing. You will get your dream life. You just have to start doing this. So I thank you all for being here with me. I'm excited for the summer series. I love doing these little thought starters and things with all of you, so I'm really looking forward to that and let's see where this journey takes us. I hope you enjoyed this episode, even though I rambled a bit, and I will catch you on the next one, take care.