Please Remember to Pick Up Milk, So I Can Remember My Sanity

The mental load women carry goes far beyond physical tasks—it's about the constant awareness of household needs that partners often don't share. When women ask for more balance, they're not just seeking help with chores but asking why they alone must keep track of everything from doctor appointments to toothpaste levels.

• Mental load involves thousands of small tasks occupying women's minds constantly
• "Ask for help" misses the point—women want partners to notice needs without prompting
• Remembering one household need per day would make a tremendous difference to partners
• Even households with traditional gender roles need clear boundaries around responsibilities
• Having a partner who notices something before you do feels remarkably freeing
• Second topic explores whether it's offensive to be invited to celebrations but not regular gatherings

I appreciate you all being with me today, and I will catch you on the next one. Take care.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Stale Roses Podcast
• 1:14 The Mental Load: Beyond Asking for Help
• 4:55 Household Responsibilities and Partnership Balance
• 6:27 Social Invitations and Celebration Etiquette

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

That's the Stale Roses Podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. Um, I hope everyone's having a fabulous week. I have two thought starters for you today, both on Pinterest. I really need to just put the podcast on Pinterest now that I'm thinking about this out loud. I need to get on that because I'm oh that's like one of my faves. It's my favorite one to scroll at night when I'm vegging out, clearly, because I always get my thought starters here. I really need to just start putting still roses there. Um, I'll go back to you on that. Okay, so two thought starters. Now, the first one, uh, the original poster talks about how she, you know, quite often will post things about women's mental health and the mental load of being a mother and a wife and all and all that jazz. And then in her post, she says that she quite frequently will get comments from men that say, Well, you need to ask for help. If you ask for help, we would help you. And then it wouldn't feel like it was such a burden for you. The response there though, from the woman is, well, but why do I have to ask you for help? Now think about it like this. Now, I have said before, ask for help when you need help. I have talked about that quite a bit because I have a hard time with that. That's its own thing. Yes, raise your hand when you need help. If you're struggling with something, you need an extra set of hands. Yes, absolutely. That's not the point of this. The point of this is like a layer deeper. In the woman's mind, she automatically assumes responsibility for making doctor's appointments, potentially paying bills. I know, like, I do that part by choice. But beyond that, like I know, I knew at the end of last week laundry was in a bad situation. I knew I had to get a bunch of loads of laundry done this weekend. You know, six hours later, the kids have closed for school on Monday. I know we're running out of toothpaste in the house, and then I have to go pick some up at BJ's. I know that I forgot to get dish soap at the store this weekend. So I can't wash any dishes. Everything has to go in the dishwasher. I have to mentally check that in my head. Jenny, you need dish soap. Um, let me think. What else is there? Oh, we ran out of allergy medicine. No one else is thinking about this. I'm thinking about it. I have to get allergy medicine. There's this laundry list of things that occur to women that click into our head of, oh, I have to make sure I get this done. Because we notice pretty much everything. Everything in our little hemisphere we're aware of and we're aware of we need to maintain, we keep momentum. What's missing, what needs help, what where do we have to put more effort into? That's the mental load part. It's not so much the, oh, why don't you help me? Help me. I'm gonna have to ask you to help me with the laundry. It is that, but it's so much more because it's every single little thing that goes on that sticks in our brain of, oh, I have to get these things done when you have a perfectly capable partner right next to you that is not paying attention to any of these things because he knows he or she knows you're doing it. So that mental space in their brain is not being taken up by these thousands of little tiny tests that you have to remember. That's the mental load. You can raise your hand and say, Hey, I need some help with the laundry. Can you help me fold it? Which, if any of your husbands fold laundry, God bless, because that's awesome. Um, you know, it's it's those thousands of little things that, you know, pile up in our heads because it's a lot of pressure for us because we know if it runs out, everyone's gonna turn to us and say, Well, it ran out. Having that other person, your partner, be present and accounted for is such a big freaking deal and takes so much damn pressure off. I mean, the times when my husband remembers something or sees something before I do and he actually actions on it, holy hell, even if it's just one thing, I'm like immediately grateful because it pulls one little, one little hair of things off my plate. Like, it's amazing. If there was just more of that, you know, the brain space that would free up in my brain would be astounding. So it's not about raise your hand and ask for help or everything. It's more about why are you assuming that the responsibility is falling to me? And especially in this day and age when majority of households, if not all households, have two people working, because you cannot, you can no longer lean on the fact, like, oh, well, you're home. This is your job. Don't get offended that I just said that, everybody. But you know what I mean. Full-time stay-at-home moms, that's that is their full-time mom. That's a huge job. It's a job. Like that, I we can't cut that any other way. It is a freaking job. But again, like if even so, but even so, I might like take that step back a little bit. Okay, fine. If the household and maintaining the household and running everything at home is this uh the stay-at-home person's job, let's call it the job. They're stuck there all day. And uh nine times out of ten, they may not leave because there's so much stuff to be done. And if that's the case, then you, the person who has left the house to go to work, why can't you remember to pick up the milk? Why can't you remember? Oh, you know what, this morning I remember when I was eating breakfast, I noticed that the egg container was was, you know, like running out. Just pick up eggs. Like it's not that difficult to really like step up. And it's these simple tasks, the minutiae tasks, that I think would make a world of difference to your partner if you just do like maybe even if it's just one a day. Remember one thing a day. I mean, it's insane. And I know I'm preaching to the wrong audience here with this. I'm sure you're all like nodding along. And I'm not saying this to cause any trouble. Believe me, my husband doesn't remember any of these things. This is all on me for the for the majority of it. But he remembers a lot of things that I don't. There are car registrations. I don't even pretend I'm gonna remember that. I flat out tell him that's your job. Cleaning the cars and the maintenance on the cars. Again, I've just I've said it before. We have a very like um 1950s kind of household where he handles the quote unquote male jobs and I hold handle the quote unquote female jobs. I know you're all appalled right now. I apologize, but actually, I don't apologize. I made this choice consciously. But I make it a point to say, like, no, no, no, this is the line here, taking a million things and you're only taking a thousand, but you are keeping that thousand. I'm not taking any of that back. So it's just a thought there. Like, men always seem to get it a little bit twisted. Like it's not so much like I need to ask you for help. Why can't why can't you just notice these little things and then step up and do it? Not a big deal. So that's one thing. I went on a bit of a rant there, which I guess I was really bothering me. So I wanted to make sure I got that out. Now, the other thing that I had pulled down that I wanted to talk to you about, which I kind of forgot. So I need to just do a little scroll. Oh, here it is. Okay. Is this a little bit like unpopular opinion? I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts on this. The other post I saw was from somebody that said, do not invite me to home warming parties, wedding showers, baby showers, etc., if you don't include me on cookouts, coffee breaks, weddings, ladies' nights, or other gatherings. It is incredibly offensive to presume someone wants to dish out a lot of money on your life milestones without actually including them in your life progression. I am curious about everyone's thoughts on this. Is it offensive to receive, let's say, like the baby shower invitation from a cousin that you don't talk to? Do you find that offensive? I don't feel that way. I know, you know, everyone's kind of role, everyone's role basically in my life and how things are. So I don't necessarily expect to be involved in the day-to-day. And I'm more so like, oh, I'm so happy for you. You have this great milestone. Of course, I would love to come and celebrate that with you. Now, I guess if it was somebody that you haven't spoken to in years, perhaps that would feel a little bit off, and I think it should. But, you know, I'm curious to know how you all feel about that and if you think it is offensive. Now, there's people in our family that, you know, I don't talk to, but I, you know, we get invited to, you know, we the kids' birthday parties. I like that. I appreciate that they even sent the invitation. Like, I can't go because I'm really far. But I appreciate that you extended the invite because you know what? It would kind of it would bother me if I was didn't even get the thought, like to be included. Um, because on the off chance that I can go, I would go. Um so just kind of food for thought there. I'd be curious to hear what everyone's opinions are on that. Um again, hope you're all having a great week. I appreciate you all being with me today, and I will catch you on the next one. Take care.